Ectoplasm overreaction

Once again I have nothing to write about this week. There must be something….

• I have not been attacked by a centipede in two weeks.
• My cat pooped on my shirt last night.
• I quit drinking to lose weight again.
• Donna Summer is still dead.

Oh, something odd did happen this week. Thursday morning I was leaving for work. In the middle of my slate patio was a beige colored pool of slime. It was kind of a cross between vomit and a large ameba. I don’t see things like this in my back yard on a regular basis so I stopped. The gate was still locked so it seemed unlikely that someone came into my back yard. I looked up to see if there was a small flying saucer hovering above dripping ectoplasm. No saucer.

Could this be related to that dream I had where Donna Summer saved New York from a giant Michelin Man? Left over Michelin Man slime? 

I think not. I think that there was a party across the alley and a bunch of guys got messed up on brown liquor. They all got in a fight, knives and guns were drawn, and the cops were called. Drunk beat up guys scattered and one ended up in my neighbor’s back yard. The neighbors had called 911 and the cops were closing in so he crawled through the rose bushes into my yard. 

Bruised, bloodied, attacked by rose thorns, and about to be arrested, he threw up on my slate patio. Fucker.

I have no idea how he got out of my yard. Maybe after he spewed he walked to the gate, undid the lock, and then politely locked the gate again to make sure no bad people got into my back yard. That’s so nice.

As I said I have been on the wagon for a few days. I had San Pellegrino to drink with dinner that night, so how I managed to sleep through a gang war and an invasion of over 10 police cars into my neighborhood, and a 2am phone call from my neighbors I do not know. My perception is that I don’t sleep and instead just lie in bed and grind my teeth all night, so why did I not know this was happening?

Weird. And disturbing. While I do have a burglar alarm I am concerned about my lack of engagement here. 

Yesterday I went to the hardware store and bought special little window locks that prevent someone from opening the window even if I leave the regular locks unlocked. I also bought extra-long screws and installed them in my front and back door locks so that if someone tries to kick the door in they will need a tank. And I bought this super cool battery powered LED light that flashes in your face brightly if you come into my back yard to throw up.

Overreaction? I HAVE KITTENS TO PROTECT! Kittens that poop on my shirts.

All right. That is all I have for today. Off to find agriturismos in Italy.


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