Spa Day!

It’s spa day at the Four Seasons Hotel in downtown Seattle .  This starts with a late breakfast consisting of a glass of Veuve Cliquot, Dungeness Crab Eggs Benedict, then another glass of Veuve, all for just $100!

Then it’s upstairs to the spa.  A custom fitted Egyptian cotton robe that I had to get measured for a couple of weeks ago awaits me along with custom fitted slippers from Thailand. 

Next is the steam room.  The room is thick with Australian Eucalyptus scented steam. I cook away for a while as my pours open up.  Then it’s off for my anti-aging facial. 

Fiery burning acid, sand paper scrub, virgin stem cell soothing moisturizer.  After 80 minutes I come out looking like I was born in the 1960’s!

Then it’s time for my massage.  I am lounging out in the common area drinking cucumber water from England when the massage therapist comes to get me.  We’ve met before, here last winter.  She remembers me. 

“Oh, Mr. Clove Head.  You were in such bad shape last year.  So stressed out, so unhappy.  The knots in your neck made me cry.  I had to go home and burn some sage leaves when we were done.  How are you now?”  

What do I say?  “Work got worse, my dad got cancer, I lost my job, my mom has this bad tremor, I learned I had a bad heart while I was having my toes cut off, and then there was this vampire…..”   No, I don’t say that.  What I do say is, “Things are better.  I’m starting a new job on Monday and I am here to celebrate.”   

Massage therapist starts to work on my neck and says, “You are better.  No big knots. I don’t think I will go home and cry tonight.”  

Me either. 

………

So yes, someone actually hired me.  I’m going to be the director of project management at “The world’s number one digital food brand.” I think we will just call it the big cookbook as I am hesitant to name my employer here…for obvious reasons. 

Oh the employers, they make me crazy.  

First, the mermaid.  I gave her my youth and she broke my heart. 

Then there was that stupid bookstore that took over the world.  Bad, bad people there.  But I got three trips to London out of them.

Then the airplane factory that made bids to the federal government to build a wall to keep out Mexicans and provided tactical support for torture during W’s presidency.  Some good people there, but some very bad leaders.

And then the foundation.  Too soon?  Yes.  Someday I will write about that place. Not today. 

So at the big cookbook I’ll manage the project managers, run the PMO, and be the Agile evangelist.  As you know, normally I am only evangelical about flying first class, but I think I can make this work. 

I kind of blew it with other potential employers.  The Costco thing ended after I explained that every time I go into a Costco I buy a new TV and that I had run out of rooms to put televisions in so I quit going to Costco.  I also asked them to rethink the amount of vile oaky California wine they sell and that perhaps some un-oaked stainless steel fermented wine from Europe might help increase sales.  They walked me out. 

Then there was Sound Transit. I did not get that job after I told them that I hate public transportation because I do not like to sit with the poor. Yes, I did explain just how angry it makes all of us when their stupid busses get in the way or when their annoying trains block the road with those poles that comes down and blink at you when you really need to get home and pee.  I was very clear that just as it is my birthright to fly first class it is also my birthright to drive my single occupant vehicle to work and God bless America!  Then they called security. 

Oh, and BECU who I told my favorite part of work was happy hour.  

Or REI who asked what I do outside and I explained I don’t go outside because there are bugs outside.

Believe me I know how lucky I am to have a new job.  But I am not sure how I am going to get to work. The big cookbook office is in downtown Seattle, in the old Nordstrom building.  Ample parking is not to be had. Sound Transit has imposed a permanent ban on me entering any vehicles in their system, so I have no choice but to drive. Really. It appears that monthly parking downtown starts at about $300 a month. The big cookbook chose not to cover my parking costs and instead handed me an Orca card, which immediately burst into flame and melted. 

Yes, this is certainly a first world problem.  And I am very, very happy to be back in the first world again. I was not sure that I would be let back in this time.

To celebrate I had new business cards printed.  Here is the front and the back. 

Yes, I crack myself up. 

………….

So this heart thing is just getting annoying. I’ve already documented my experiences with American health care those first few days, but it has not gotten any better.  I tried to get a new Primary Care Physician to replace Dr. Dick.  I went in for an annual physical and to try him out.  Dr. Dufus spent 10 minutes with me, did not check half the things you would expect a doctor to do as part of an annual checkup, and his only advice was to not salt my food.  

Then I had a bad experience with my cardiologist who could not decide what medication dosage I should be on and forgot to run a new EKG to see if I even had the problem still.  14 emails later I got my own dosage sorted out and my own EKG run.  And I do still have the flapping heart problem. 

So I am out. Out of this silly health care system. I am going all first world and paying for “Concierge Service” with a new doctor who will spent an hour with me when I go in, will talk to me on the phone and respond to emails.  She also has strong options on what drug dosage I should be on and actually runs EKGs without being asked.  And for the first time since this started she has a plan to fix my heart, as in make the problem go away.  This is not going to be cheap, it’s all out of pocket, but I want to stay alive. 

Dr. Concierge is in Ireland for a couple of weeks before we dive in on the new treatment, but in the meantime there was one last event from the old health care people that I had to endure.  The Sleep Test. It is possible (likely) that I have sleep apnea and that has contributed to my flapping around heart. 

So the sleep test was awful.  I had to get there at 7:00 PM on Saturday night.  They said to park in the parking garage but it was closed.  It took me forever to find a pay spot on the street, dodging gangs of roving youth, and then I had to call a security guard to let me in.  He said I should not park on the street as my car would get broken into by the roving youth.  So I had to move my car again and park in the garage which he had opened up for me.  Then I had to cross the street, weave through the roving youth, and go to another building to get to the Sleep Clinic.

When I finally got up to the clinic I was greeted by Neestrovia, a Slavic woman with a heavy accent. Supernaturally pale with yellow hair, Neestrovia was thin and looked very hungry.  She had the most pale blue eyes I have ever seen.  

Something was off here.  This was just fraught. It occurred to me that, first, I was full of blood, and second, I was about to be locked in a windowless soundproof room until the sun came up. She left to go "finish" with her first "patient.” 

I was like, “Fuck, fuck!  What would Buffy do?”  I texted Mark. 

He texted me back, “Run!”

Which is true.  Buffy always runs unless there is no choice except to fight. 

When Neestrovia came back she looked a little less pale.  I feared for that first “patient”.  She put all these wires on my body, attaching them with some kind of putty. There were sensors on my legs, on my nipples, up my nose, all over my head, and on my jaw.  I was just starting to get a bad cold so snot dripped down my face all night long and I could not sleep at all.  

There was a microphone above my bed so if I needed anything I was supposed to call Neestrovia because she could hear everything in the room.  I had to get up and pee twice so I just called out her name and she magically arrived to unhook me. At some point I had to fart really bad but I was afraid to because I didn’t want her to hear me. 

I did not sleep at all, writhing in pain as methane continued to build up in my body. I feared there would be an explosion, but it occurred to me it might be a viable defense when Neestrovia attacked. 

Finally I got a bit of REM sleep around 5:30 AM and then Neestrovia came to wake me up at 6:00 AM. 

I went into the bathroom to clean up.  Keep in mind this was before my anti-aging facial yesterday.  What I saw in the mirror is a fat old man, snot running down his face, putty stuck to his nipples and all over his hair.  I cried. Neestrovia suggesed that I hurry up and take a shower before the sun came up.  Odd that she was standing behind me and did not show up in the mirror.

The shower was not a success.  I drove home, still covered in putty with snot running down my face.  I swerved the car all over the freeway because I was so completely sleep deprived.  Thank god no police officer pulled me over.  I cant imagine trying to explain the situation. “Hello occifer. There was a vampire and my heart is bad and I have a cold and I really need to fart!”

Sigh.  

Now you understand the need for spa day.  

More later…..