My shift to the Right

Do you ever bolt awake at 3:00 in the morning?  Are you obsessing over a difficult project or an insane co-worker?  While I have done both in the past, yesterday I awoke to a singular obsession. “I wonder how my hair would look parted in the middle?”  I got up, tried some parting scenarios, then made coffee, took a shower, got dressed, and at the last moment I made a dramatic shift to the right.  Yes, I parted my hair on the right side, just like that horrible Sunny Jim Peanut Butter boy.





I supposed at some subconscious level I was acknowledging the fact that the 16th of every month is Dress Like a Republican Day, but I think this goes deeper than that. I spent 11 hours last week in job interviews, incoherently warbling like a fool.  This was not all my fault.  Circumstances were stacked against me.   The morning of the first day I punched myself in the eye while trying to open a milk carton. This resulted in this big red blob on my left eyeball. Then I cut my face shaving.  Then my hair turned out just like Gary Oldman’s in Dracula.





Each day last week my hair got worse and I kept re-cutting my face as I stared at these poor interviewers with my one good eye.  This not terribly successful week cumulated with a large blob of vanilla yogurt landing on the lapel of my black job interview jacket, leaving a Clintonian stain for all to see.  How is a boy supposed to come off as confident in a job interview when he has a milky white stain?


I suppose all the stress from last week seeped into my brain and it spewed back out at 3:00 AM yesterday morning with this sudden shift to the right.  Right wing shifts are always a sign of mental instability, right?


Fortunately, not one person noticed my right wing slant yesterday.  Or perhaps they just were polite and did not say anything.  Regardless, I woke up at my normal 5:00 AM today and my hair is back to its  partless yet slightly vampiric self.


I have noticed over the years that my hair really only looks good on Maui, so I am headed back to my spiritual homeland next week for some quality follicle time.






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