Holiday Greetings

So this was my holiday greeting to people this year. No big production, no US mail, no stamps, just a simple email with this photo of me attached and a subject line of "Ho!"


What I got in response were actual pieces of physical media.  Mail. Generic year end recap letters that included photos of people's stupid children and comments like, "Little Sally is at the top of her class and on the championship soccer team and she does ballet on the weekends. Carole and I are planning a trip to Vegas in February!" Well, little Sally pisses me off and so do generic year end recap letters from people I have not seen in 20 years.


I decided to reciprocate, via email, with as obnoxious a recap letter as I could come up with. I hate stamps. FIlthy things, the stamps.


Dear Friend or Family Member,

As 2011 draws to a close and we face the prospects of yet another bleak year without Hillary Clinton as our leader, I feel that I must take a look back at the year that was.

2011 started off on a creative note as both Fred and Hyka started interpretive dance classes. These take place at a trapeze school south of downtown where small plastic balls filled with catnip are hung from the ceiling by long strings of yarn. An ingenious computer-based system manipulates the strings to pull them up suddenly at random intervals, thus helping the kittens to develop faster reflexes and paw-eye coordination as they dance about.

March was a warm blast as we headed for the tropical isle of Maui. Shocking, I know. We took long walks on the beach, drank Mai Tai’s, and ate crab dip pizza and loads of ahi poke! The kittens stayed at the trapeze school for the week where they learned bamboo dancing from the choreographer who did Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

April was drama filled as I gave notice at that large commercial airplane factory which had employed me for nearly 5 years and accepted a potion at a largish charitable foundation near the Space Needle where they have Fresca flowing free from fountains.

May required a mini-break bop over to Oahu for dinner at Nobu and a spa day at the Halekulani Hotel.

June, July, and August were spent in my newly remodeled back yard drinking slightly fizzy green wine from Portugal and cooking Catalan food in preparation for my trip to Barcelona in September / October.

Barcelona was a blast. We landed first at the Paris airport where, while sitting in a restaurant, I actually asked in French for another espresso! Mais oui!

The Catalan Capital both met and exceeded many of my expectations. The food? Truly outstanding. The city? Gorgeous, of course. The locals? Badly dressed but a friendly lot, mostly. There was an attack by some football hooligans, Nubian prostitutes, and a bicycle terrorist, but that all pales in comparison to tapas bars, the cava, and Gaudi.

November was another little mini-break bop down to San Francisco where we had the most amazing dinner at Aziza, lunch at the Slanted Door, and outstanding cocktails everywhere.

But now as I look to 2012 I am off the alcohol for a bit as my liver is now larger than my head.

The kittens are continuing their ongoing education, now having branched out into polka and secured themselves highly-coveted scholarships, thus eliminating the need for me to save any money for them to go to dance college.

Mark continues to be younger than me and is now making much, much more money than I over at that online bookstore.
What about travel, you ask? Of course there is a trip booked to Kauai for March. A mini-break to Maui over Memorial Day is a distinct possibility. Europe seems unlikely this year, however. The Basque Country in 2013 then? Why not!

Here’s hoping your 2012 is everything you want it to be!


Love,
OCH


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