Weird shit has been happening lately that is starting to make me think the end of the world is coming. I will give you examples in a moment, but maybe the Aztecs were right and 2012 will be it….
Nah, that is crazy superstitious anti-science nut job thinking just like the Tea Bagger Party agenda. Which is a great segue into my next point. NPR.
I have had to start aggressively turning off NPR in the last few months. I feel like they are so concerned with being impartial that they have turned themselves into this free microphone for Tea Bagger lunatics. More often than not this happens during Morning Edition when Steve Inskeep is hosting. Inskeep is a loud fascist menace with his nose stuck up Tina Brown’s ass. And don’t even get me started on Tina Brown’s war of lies about poor Amanda Knox.
I think the debt ceiling and potential default are what put me over the edge. So often I would turn on NPR only to hear some right wing nut job pontificate on and on and not be called on the carpet for his (or her) lies. I know that good people do not go into politics, but if anyone sane is listening, PLEASE raise my taxes and increase government spending so we can fix the economy. I am so sick and tired of these stupid people whose grandparents had it rough in the Depression and are now are obsessed with having no debt. Debt is what powers the world, you fools. Republicans are going to take us all down. Down. Down. Down. Really, what kind of an asshole embraces anything their grandparents did anyway? I am going on vacation, OUTSIDE OF AMERICA in a couple weeks to eat and drink myself into a state of bliss and you know what, I AM GOING TO CHARGE THE WHOLE THING! Suck on that tea bag.
This whole obsession with debt is a made-up Republican thing and I do think this is largely NPR’s fault. Something changed after the whole Juan Williams fiasco and now they are acting like a bunch of scared little babies. Well, not Terry Gross, but everyone else is.
OK, good, I feel better now. So back to evidence of the pending end of the world. A couple weeks ago my kitchen sink clogged up with while the dishwasher was running. I did not know this as I was in the living room watching live CNN coverage of the humongous 5.8 earthquake that destroyed the eastern seaboard. Stinky dirty water filled both sinks and then started overflowing onto the floor. My cat Fred alerted me to trouble by coming into the living room and standing on me with wet feet and then screaming. As I stood over the ever-growing lake that had been my kitchen floor, I tried the toilet plunger but it did not help. I ran to the laundry room to get a bucket and then put it under the sink and unscrewed the pipes which were clogged with large chunks of old fish curry, pasta, and rice. Water flowed down from both sinks and quickly filled up the bucket. I had dropped the connector piece of pipe in the lake and it floated away, so the only way to stop the water was to hold my hand over the open pipe. So I could either sit there in the water with my hand over the pipe or let my hand go and have an even huger amount of water flood my kitchen.
I sat there crying for about 10 minutes until I realized I could hold the pipe closed with my left hand and reach into the cupboard with my right hand and grab my big metal popcorn bowl and place that over the full bucket and let the rest of the water into the pan. That worked and the water stopped right when it reach the top. It was like 95 degrees in my house, I was still covered in demon bites (see earlier blog post), and both cats were screaming their heads off while they were trying to eat old fish curry off the floor, and CNN was screaming about a stupid total nonevent earthquake. I know, I know, you are asking what is the point of all this? The point is, how do large chunks of fish curry, pasta, and rice make it through your garbage disposal intact and get stuck in a pipe? Obviously this is some kind of supernatural phenomenon that defies science and warrants a religious pilgrimage. Seems about as supernatural as turning water into wine. Am I right? I think so!
But wait! There’s more! On Saturday Mark and I drove to Kirkland to see Michelle and Chris. We were a little bit early so we decided to go check out the new Metropolitan Market store there. It’s all nice and new and fabulous, and has a much better chilled wine section than West Seattle. As we were getting ready to leave this Asian woman with a large fuchsia colored streak in her hair walks by. I could hear country music pounding in her iPod headphones. She turns around, pops out the headphones, and says:
Her: “Hey! Are you guys from here? The GREAT NORTHWEST?”
I hesitate, as the GREAT NORTHWEST is an old fashioned term for the upper Midwest back when America stopped around Minneapolis or something. I wonder if this is a trick question, and that I could point out we are in the PACIFIC NORTHWEST, but I decide not to test the waters as she seems a bit wacko.
Me: “Um, yes, we are from here.” Oh God what if she thinks we are from the Eastside?
Her: “Well then can you tell me where in the hell I can get some Wonder Bread? I have been to seven stores here in the GREAT NORTHWEST and I can’t find any!”
Me: “I think that Gai’s white bread right there is pretty close.”
Her: “No! It does not stick to the roof of your mouth like Wonder Bread. So you cannot help me?”
Me: “Well….”
Her: “I hate you guys!” as she pops her headphones back in and walks away.
Golly. Clearly there is some direct connection between eating white trash Republican food and going insane. I think the same thing can happen if you eat communion wafers, which also stick to the roof of your mouth.
Now back to NPR. I have been in a funk on Sundays since May when Liane Hansen left NPR to retire. I think she just could not stand working for a company that would employee Steve Inskeep. Anyway, Liane quit after being the voice of my Sunday mornings since the late 1980’s. I was in Honolulu at the time and did not really deal with it. This weekend the new permanent host, Audie Cornish, took over. She is fine, no complaints, but I am really trying to deal with my newfound disgust of NPR and the loss of Liane at the same time. But then today, A MIRACLE. It’s 5:45 AM and I am in my laundry room ironing clothes for work. I have NPR on because I am not awake and it’s still my routine. Andrea Seabrook comes on and starts this story about how Republicans are anti-science. She cites lots of examples of Republican presidential candidates not believing in Climate Change or Evolution. It’s well researched, smart, direct, and utterly rips them to shreds. I actually stop ironing, look up, and think, “Wow. That was really good. That was my NPR, just like the old days. This is why I give them so much money every year. Maybe the world will be OK after all.”
So there you have it. One good bit of journalism and I am now hopeful that the world is not coming to an end.
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