What Kind Of Thuggery Is This?

Garbage can was stolen last night.

I assume this was some kind of sympathy thuggery in support of those wretched urchins who have been setting London and Manchester alight.

I am not all that upset actually. Garbage can had been containing old shrimp shells all week. Got really, really stinky and then flies showed up, and then little white worms. Mortified and gagging I dowsed garbage can in some DDT, both inside and out. The thug that stole garbage can is sufficiently infused with DDT now unless he was wearing rubber gloves.

I assume this is the same thug who steals my barbeques every summer. You remember, he comes late at night, dumps the ashes in my driveway, and then walks away with my latest grill.

This year, after installing slate tiles in my backyard and getting a new high end Webber for my birthday, I got a big ass cable lock for Webber. He is not going anywhere unless thug wants to take the fence along with him.

I would imagine thug came by last night, could not get Webber, so it a fit of teenage rage just stomped on down the alley with garbage can.

Mark is not convinced this is entirely plausible and thinks something more supernatural is afoot. Earlier this week he was thinking that his house was possessed by a goblin. In his own words:

There has only been one physical manifestation of said goblin, which was my shaving mirror popping off the wall and flying at me in the shower, attempting to knock me back into my shower curtain and out of the bathtub. However, the following things have flown into my face in dreams the past week or so:


• Crows

• Pythons

• Demonic faces

• Giant buzzing insects that are not bees

• Giant buzzing insects that are definitely bees

 The insects, bees or not, also attempt to go down the back of my shirt after flying in my face.



Now you may or may not be aware that I have always thought that I have some kind of supernatural power. I see auras around things. Sometimes I can make mine move around and do tricks and stuff. While I can see all this stuff it does not seem to interact with the physical world. I see this energy but I can’t make it pick up pencils or change the channel on my TV or anything like that.

Recently I have become obsessed with this iPhone/ iPad based game called Shadow Cities. It’s this GPS based game where you cast spells and kill demons or people on the other team. The way you cast a spell is to draw a rune in the air, then wait as you pull little bits of magic out of the universe towards you. Once you have absorbed enough magic you can blast things. This is a very different way of thinking about magic. I always assumed magic came from the inside, like thuggery. It never occurred to me to try to get more energy from the universe before I tried to change the channel.

So ANWAY the other night Mark was talking about his goblin and I decided to try to pull in some energy and then blast the goblin. I did. It worked. Goblin went away.

Now Mark is convinced that goblin is after me and has garbage can. I can see the logic. Everyone knows that messing with magic is tricky. Like if you bring your dead cat back it will be a zombie. Or like how Willow got black hair and black eyes and black veins in her skin when she was using too much magic on Buffy. Or like how that Boner dude in the House of Representatives is orange. Or like how poor Pam’s face is melting off on True Blood right now. God I love Pam. I don’t think there has been a character on television that I have loved so much since Buffy ended. It really upsets me that her face is melting off.

Where was I? Oh, right. Thug. I think I will just call the garbage man people and tell them to bring me a new can. I will probably try to suck in some more magic soon and see what I can do. Maybe I can block Fox News from my TV.









.