Demons

As you know, I did a little bit of magik in the last few weeks to banish this goblin that was in Mark’s house. Now, as I feared, what goes around comes around. Yes, I am being haunted. Some sort of invisible supernatural force is torturing me. For about a week I have had just horrendous bites on my legs. Mosquitoes? Fleas? Bed bugs? No. Demons.

So trust me here. I have done my internet research. There is no smoking flea gun. No telltale blood stains from bed bugs. Nary a mosquito noise has been heard. Some demon is poking me in the ankles with long steal needles with real sharp points as I sleep. I supposed I could use my new wireless web cams and their infrared night vision to document this, but I don't really want to see it. I just want him to leave. Plus a boy just needs private time in his bedroom.

In my spare time, when I am not having private time in my bedroom, or spraying my entire body with Deep Woods OFF, or taking a bath in baking soda, or just scratching my legs till they bleed, I have been doing research. Wicca.org has been somewhat helpful, but really I had to go to the Wikipedia page for Buffy to figure out that what was going on. They have access to the books, the texts. A few clicks in and it was obvious that this is a Flanjoid Demon. Wikipedia -- very helpful with the identification, but not so helpful with the solution. So I rerouted the encryption algorithms at Wicca.org and was able to get behind the firewall and find the schematics for the underground sewer system in Los Angeles. But I kept searching and found that Flanjoid Demons have a hard exoskeleton like a potato bug, or Björk. They like to attack human feet with their pincers. So gross, but it turns out they are easily taken out by a combination of cedar and diatomaceous earth. You can buy the diatomaceous earth at the pet food store on California Avenue in West Seattle, and you can find a plethora of cedar products at Bed Bath and Beyond, also in West Seattle, which is right by where my gym is! So convenient!

As I broke through several layers of encryption I found ancient texts that has a lot of letters and words in them. I focused on the pictures and learned that this is a somewhat complicated operation:

• Place “sachet” of cedar is strategic positions around your home such as:
• Under your bed.
• On your coffee table.
• On the shelf next to your collection of vintage Fiestaware that you paid $5000 for in the 1990’s that is now worth probably $700.
• Take your bag of diatomaceous earth and draw three concentric rings around your home. A big daddy ring. A smaller mommy ring. And a smaller still baby ring.
• Light the daddy ring on fire and step into the mommy ring.
• Quickly light the mommy ring on fire and step into the baby ring.
• Light the baby ring on fire and scream out at the top of your lungs. “Pulu Si Bagumba!"
• Take a bath in baking soda.
• Spray Deep Woods Off on your ankles.
• Drink some bottles of Provencal rosé, take some Benedryl, and go to sleep.

We are on step 8 right now. More later....

.