Cords

I have a problem with cords. Actually anything long and string like. Anything that can get knots in it.


Headphones are a constant example. I can be using my headphones, walk away for five minutes, and come back to a tangled knot of costly Bose horror.


Dyson is another one. I can vacuum the house, wrap the cord up nicely, and put Dyson in the closet, only to open the closet a week later and find the power cord tied in tight little knots and the knots tied in tight larger knots.


And it’s not just expensive name brand cords, no. There is an old black fan in my laundry room whose power cord keeps getting into the drier.


Yesterday I very consciously placed my keys on the passenger’s seat of my car and left my card key badge in my bag. When I got to work and reached for the badge to get into the parking garage I found it had crawled out of the bag, onto the driver’s seat, and attached itself to the key chain, the stretchy cord thing wrapped around keys and tied in knots. Traffic backed up behind me as I tried to untie the stupid thing.


I know cords are conscious and they do this just to piss me off. Last week I found and old pair of iPod headphones wrapped around my Sonicare Toothbrush. This happens all the time, but this time I had had enough. I screamed at them, “Really?! Really?! Well fuck you then!” I ran downstairs to get a pair of scissors to put an end to this torture but when I got back to the bathroom the headphones were nicely rolled up and in their little plastic case. Fuckers.


I have this old plastic box that I keep needles and extra buttons and thread in. A few months ago I bought some new spools of thread. I put them in the box, still sealed in their little plastic wrappers. Last night when I opened the box so I could get a needle and thread to reattach a button on a shirt the spools were gone and the threads had copulated their way into one giant ball with needles poking out in all directions. I set the box on fire.


I was thinking that I should end this by typing something like “The author was found dead at his computer two days later. Several yards of yarn were wrapped around his neck. He had been strangled. Kittens were playing with the yarn.”, but I know the cords would really rather keep me alive to torture me. Yep, see -- my mouse just wrapped around the base of the monitor and is now mixing it up with the telephone hand set cable. Fuckers.



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