What Not to Eat

I was looking around on the internet today to learn more about what foods to avoid in the context of diabetes, glucose levels, and general medical torture. This is what I found:

White Pasta

You already knew this one. I have written extensively on the vile subject of whole wheat pasta. But did you know that most noodles and pasta have a high glycemic index? Foods that are high glycemic are made from white flour, white rice, white truffles, white chocolate, white Christmas, and missing white women. If you're diabetic, avoid large plates of pasta. You should do this if you are fat too. If you are just going to throw caution to the wind, at least put a sauce on the pasta that is “plentiful with protein and colorful with low-glycemic veggies” like okra and hay.

White Rice

Steer clear of white rice, which is white because it has had the bran removed, not because it is from Scandinavia. Wild rice is fine--it's actually a grass, like hay. Brown rice is fine, but it does take over 9 hours to cook. Plan ahead.

Sweets

Normal people call this candy. Don’t eat candy. You know this. It’s bad for your teeth, for your completion, etc. Unless by “Sweets” you mean dessert. Don’t eat dessert either. Desserts baked with white flour and white sugar must always be avoided. You know that oatmeal raisin cookies made with Splenda are not very good, so why bother? Have some sand instead. You should also limit the amount of figs, dates, very sweet fresh fruits (such as watermelon) and ice cream. Did you know that ice cream is considered a fresh fruit just like ketchup is a vegetable?

Cold Beverages

Avoid sugary sodas, juices, Gatorade and other sports drinks, and soft drinks. Water too. Water comes from the mountains and can have all kinds of bird poop and stuff like that in it. PS – if you microwave your Gatorade it is fine.

Potatoes

Eat small amounts only of baking and boiling potatoes unless you are really old or in prison.

White Breads

Steer clear of breads containing white flour. Read the label--if you see "white all-purpose flour" or "not whole wheat brown flour” or “white flower” or “really white flower” you're looking at another name for white flour. White flower is made from cocaine and can kill you. Similarly, check the ingredients on tortillas, pita breads, rolls, biscuit mixes, and other bread products. Don’t eat them if they have cocaine in them.

I am glad that I could share some of this important dietary information with you today.

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