Zombie Zombie Zombie

It’s Sunday afternoon. The sun is out.  I got home from the gym, mowed the back yard, cleaned the top of my stove, cleaned the toilets. I kept trying to find other things to do... but I got worried that the sun would go down. 

It's sitting over there, near the TV, the object of my fear. The little red Netflix envelope has been staring at me for 2 weeks. I have not made eye contact wit it. I am afraid to.

As you know the most scariest movie ever was 28 Days Later. That movie still fucks with me on a daily basis. I hate them, the zombies. 

Why then have I just opened the red envelope and popped in this disk of a Norwegian zombie movie called Dead Snow? Why indeed. 

So far these Norwegian kids have gone up to a cabin in the mountains for a long weekend, a mini-break. We know there are zombies about from the opening scene. Right now I am crouched down in front of my laptop screen so that I cannot see the TV as the zombies are about to eat a creepy old man who came and had coffee with the kids. He left after having a cigarette and now he is in a well lit orange tent in the woods. It’s all very complicated. 

This kinds of seems to be a movie about horror movies. It’s very conscious of itself. 

FUCK! My dishwasher just made a noise and it scared the crap out of me. 

Now the kids are riding inner tubes down hills in the snow. 

Some observations on Norwegian culture:

• They say OK, and Hello in English.
• Their sandwiches seem to have only one piece of bread, on the bottom.
• Some of them are very pretty.
• Some of them are fat and not pretty.

The cute boy just found the dead old man, frozen, with his intestines hanging out in his orange well lit tent. 

Now there is a treasure, stolen Nazi gold or something. The cute boy just fell into a dark ice cave.

Hang on, I have to go pee. 

OK, Hello. They have the same little CD player that I have in my laundry room. The fat boy and the pretty girl are having sex in the outhouse. That is about as sexy as having sex in the Minneapolis airport. I hope they die.

Sorry, I got up to feed the cats but I think a zombie was under the outhouse and got the girl it at an importune moment. Yes, that is what happened. A zombie just stuck her cut off head in the window. 

Now its full out zombie attack on the cabin. It’s the first time we get to see them. They are wearing Nazi uniforms and are trying to pick up the cabin and move it. 

They just grabbed a fat blond one through the window and ripped his head open. His brain fell out onto the floor. You don’t see that everyday. Wow.

Now its daylight out. The zombies, they don’t seem to mind.

The cute one just had to bite a zombie to get it off him. What is going to happen to him?!!!

I really like that they are filming this in daylight. Way less scary. Golly, there are a lot of zombies. They look like…well, they look Republicans from Arizona.

The cute one who is probably going to turn into a zombie just has to sew up his own neck wound with a fish hook and fishing line and then he wrapped duct tape around his neck. He has really pretty eyes. 

Oh. No, they kill him. Everyone dies. Movie ends. Sorry if I spoiled that for you. 

I am so not going to sleep tonight.





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