Malaise

He’s back. Grey Clove Head. And he’s feeling a sense of ….. malaise. The Jimmy Carter word. It’s a good word. Very visual. Sounds like something you would put on cold toast on a rainy day in early February when winter seems like it will never end.



I need something a bit more colorful and fruity or spicy on my toast. 

I have had this new "acting" job for 6 months now. The money is very good, the hours are very good, I don’t really have a boss....but this is all very temporary and could change at any time.This uncertainty about my future is really getting to me. I know I should just grow up and snap out of it. I have a great job. Why do I have to be such a whiney pee pants all the time?


Maybe I am malaisey because I did not go to Hawaii at Christmas. It has been ten months since Oahu, one year since the Big Island, and over two years since I have spent any significant time on Maui. I was in Maui for two hours exactly one year ago waiting to change planes. I felt my life force reinvigorated…it was as if my toast suddenly was covered in guava jelly with hints of lilikoi and li hing mui. Or maybe it was just the Mai Tai’s I was drinking at the airport bar, but golly I sure felt good.


Work uncertainty aside, another big factor in this malaise is the fact that I don’t feel like I have really dealt with Linda’s death. Not having a service to go to or anyone who knew her to really mourn with kind of leaves this very weird hole. I didn’t see her all that often so on some level it feels like nothing has changed. But obviously things have changed a lot. I don’t know how to process this. What would Joseph Campbell do? Hmmm…..a little ceremony of my own I think. That is probably a really good idea. I will ponder this.


Then there are the cat deaths. Cathead. Lance. Nora’s cat. Matt’s cat. Bleck! Bleck! Bleck!


Oh shit.  Did I leave my cake out in the rain? Wow. Look at all the sweet, green icing, flowing down. Oh no!
 (Donna Summer version please, no Richard Harris)


How do I snap out of this? Something is not letting me just plunge myself into work like I used to. I have this huge opportunity right now to have this great job and make a lot of money and I just don’t care. I think this is the final effect of the break up with the mermaid -- I am never really going to trust a company again. Work is just stupid. It pays for trips to Maui.


God, go put an umbrella over your cake or just eat it and shut the fuck up! I am fully aware of how annoying and navel gazing this is. Thousands and thousands of people do not have jobs and I am whining because I am not fulfilled? What a wanker.


There is a slight possibility that all this could change soon. Not that I will quit being a whiney wanker, but I might not be so malaisey. I am trying very hard right now to position myself to get out of what I am doing and into a role that would allow for some business class travel over oceans, the role I was born for. Singapore and Shanghai are real possibilities in the next month or so. God, if this actually happens I think it might really snap me out of all this grey brain jelly. I know I’d feel like I have my old life back. Four and a half years of being depressed is a long time. Is flying business class that someone else is paying for to some remote Asian city that has incredible food and an incredible skyline really the cure for depression?


Yes!


Well OK then, back to scheming how to get to Asia.








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