Bugville

It's 8:30 AM on Sunday, March 8th and I am walking in the snow freezing.

I think it's 8:30. Wasn't there a time change last night - spring forward or something? I don't know. I am confused. I got home in the middle of the night and did not really sleep. Wasn't I in Hawai'i a few hours ago? How can I be walking around in the snow now? This is some kind of stress induced nightmare isn't it?

Yes.

What kind of stress could cause this?


• Spending a week in Hawai'i with my family.
• Losing my driver's license half way around the world.
• Being bitten on my big toe by a giant centipede.
• Being forced to watch the Weather Channel for hours and hours.
• Getting exactly 67 mosquito bites all over my body.
• Listening to my retarded Republican brother-in-law talk non stop for 7 days.
• Dealing with three grown men having temper tantrums all at the same time while I am cooking $30 a pound ahi on an electric skillet since the gas went out.
• Having people walk in on me while I was masturbating 3 different times.
• Arriving at Sea-Tac only to learn my parking ticket's magnetic strip is broken and I cannot get out of the garage.
• Trying to leave Sea-Tac only to learn my battery is dead and my car will not start.


Is that enough stress to make me lose my mind and wander around in the snow wearing Hawaiian clothes and sandals at 8:30 on a Sunday morning while I am trying to get my car battery replaced?

Yep.



No. I am just kidding. Do you know why? Because I was in Maui for exactly two hours yesterday. I am psychicly recharged, coated with a magic Aloha force field, and unable to be impacted by all the events above. And I didn't even leave the airport!

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The first time I went to Hawai'i, both the island and the state, was in August of 2001. I really had no context for the place other than vague notions that one gets from the movies and TV: tropical splendor, drinks with umbrellas, pineapples, volcanoes. I used United Miles to fly down to San Francisco and then over to the Big Island. This was way, way before I became obsessed with putting every possible charge on my Hawaiian Airlines card, only flying non-stops, and only flying first class. My how times change.

Being August is was really hot (over 90 degrees vs. the normal 75) and really humid. Landing at the Kona airport all I saw were miles and miles of black lava rock. No palm trees, no beaches. I was not optimistic. My fears were well founded. It was not the best trip ever. Mark dislocated his shoulder. I beat up Martha and left her there. We never really had a good meal. Worst of all I did I did not know about Mai Tais so I never had one.

When I got back to Seattle I complained to that blond woman at The Mermaid about the lack of good restaurants on the Big Island. She laughed and said, "Honey you went to the wrong Island!"

Why yes, yes I did.

It took me nearly two more years to go back to Hawai’i. I went to Maui for my 40th birthday. That is the trip that changed everything. I am now 45 and just finished my 13th trip to Hawai’i.

This time I went back to the Big Island.

I went to the wrong island. Again.

I think I knew the whole thing was fraught from the start. The mixing of family and friends, Republicans and smart people, atheists and idiots, smokers and non-smokers.

The only motivation was to take my dad to see the erupting volcano. Kilauea has been erupting since 1983. My father has been erupting since 1939. I am not so worried about my dad, but this is the longest eruption in recorded history so I figured we’d better get over there while it’s still going. I found this house on the north end of the island on the Kohala Cost: http://www.vrbo.com/136625.

“Paradise is yours at this breathtaking three acre estate vacation home located in the prestigious and private guard gated Kohala Ranch on the famous Kohala Coast. This luxury five bedroom residence, each with a separate bathroom, was custom designed and built by architect husband and wife Darrell and Angela Gardner as seen on HGTV. The home was specifically designed to create a unique resort experience for a truly memorable Hawaiian vacation!”

The price was really great, $450 a night that we could split by 8 people: me, Mark, Lynnette, Marie, my mom, my dad, my sister, and her husband Berf…Blarb…Bent….something like that.

The low price should probably have clued me in to the fact that there was going to be drama, but I have rented houses in France, Italy, Mexico, O’ahu, and Kaua’i never really had trouble so I did not give it a second thought. Much more on this later.

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It’s the day before we leave. I am taking the day off work to clean my house. If I never went on vacation or had a dinner party my house would be so filthy. Fortunately I cannot stand to have people in my house if it dirty so I always do a deep clean before going on vacation or having a dinner party or even letting the cable guy in.

In their first attempt this week to drive me insane my family informs me that they want to come over at 11am. I tell them no. I have to clean.

“Oh no, you don’t have to clear for us dear.”

“No, I do. And I mean it. You cannot come over till 4pm.”

“No we will be there at 11am, and we will bring our own food, milk, sleeping bags, and toilet paper.”

“The fuck you will. Don’t bring anything and do not get here before 4pm. If I see you even at 3:30 I will sick the dogs on you. I have beds, milk, and toilet paper, thank you.”

I don’t have dogs, I have kittens, but that is beside the point.

Why do they do this to me? I make $100,000 a year. I can afford toilet paper and milk. I go and buy $50 worth of Cupcake Royal for dessert tonight just to spite them.

OK, OK. I have committed to the not being a bitch during this vacation so I behave myself. We all get along tonight eating tamales and watching The Da Vinci Code. And eating cup cakes.

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The flight over is fine, but then again First Class always is. We land in Honolulu first before heading over to the Big Island.

Oh Honolulu. My second city. It’s been 9 whole months. Aloha Honolulu!

The flight from Honolulu to Kona should take maybe 30 minutes. Just enough time to pound a glass of champagne. I don’t know what my family is drinking back there in coach. I do not want to know.

There is a mini-drama before we take off however. Mark and I are in the first row drinking champagne when this frazzled flight attendant rushes up and asks if we would mind moving one row back. He seems rather desperate so we say sure, holding up our empty champagne glasses and making that sad Princess Diana look. He hands us the whole bottle and then runs away. Soon we hear this very loud man. I look up but I don’t see him. That is because he is in a wheel chair.

He sits up, looks over the seat, and loudly thanks us for moving and then says to all within ear shot that "...his legs were bitten off in the Amazon and then he got gang green and that flesh eating virus!"

I wonder if someone pushed him into a river full of barracudas to get him to shut the fuck up.

He keeps talking about some other time when he was attacked by leeches. This is just over-sharing. It’s like one of those cringey moments when a crazy person talks to you in line at Safeway….well, OK, I have never actually been in a Safeway, but one time some hippy woman tried to talk to me in line at Whole Foods. I never went back.

Anyway, we avoid eye contact and finish the bottle of champagne before the plane lands.

Kona airport is all outside. There are no walls. Just some huts with roofs made of palm leaves. Its all very cute until you are waiting to come home, covered in mosquito and centipede bites, and you just want to get away from all the god damn wildlife on this stupid island, but I jump ahead.

They do have the world’s fastest baggage claim system. We get all our bags within 5 minutes of stepping off the plane.

One other good think is that the people here are really, really nice. The man on the Hertz shuttle bus is incredibly friendly and helpful. Aloha Hertz man!

Soon we are headed north through the black lava fields to the Kohala Coast.

The messages on the black rocks written in white coral are still here. That is pretty cool and a nice distraction from the desolate fields of lava as we drive.

After about 30 minutes we reach the house. It’s in this gated community. The guard at the gate is a doofus, and I nearly climb out of the car windown to slap him but finally he lets us in. The house, initially, looks amazing. It’s kind of windy though. Warm, but windy. Very windy.


Lynnette and Marie arrived first. We walk in to find Marie sitting there but Lynnette is not around. She has gone to buy groceries and alcohol. After a while Mark’s phone rings and Lynnette says she is lost. We ask her where she is and she does not know. She says she can see a tree and the ocean. Even with these intricate coordinates we are unable to triangulate her location. We encourage her to follow the same route she did 1 hour ago when she dropped Marie off. Finally she arrives with groceries and alcohol. We all toast our first night. I make mahi mahi, bok choy, and rice for dinner. Everyone is happy.

More soon.....more drama.....and bugs!