Cat Drama!

Today is Thursday. I wore shorts to work today. This is probably not OK, so I thought I should explain.

I came home from work last night and threw some work clothes in the washer. I weeded my garden, had a glass of wine, made a really good clam linguini, watched TV, and went to bed.

About 4 am I felt something crawl across my face and then sit on my eye. Spider. Big spider. I am against vermin in my bed, so I screamed. Yes, it was a girly scream, I am sorry if that is sexist, but it was a girly scream.

Three cats came running in and quickly ate the spider, but I was pretty much up at that point so I made coffee and decided to take a nice warm bath since I didn't need to leave for work for about three hours.

Since it was 4:20am, I fell asleep in the bathtub and the water ran over the sides onto the floor. I was awoken by cats flicking water at my face.


I grabbed a bunch of towels and mopped up the floor. Still kind of asleep, I wandered downstairs and threw the wet towels into the laundry room. Then I went back up stairs to finish getting ready for work.

I usually change kitty litter in the morning before I go to work. Today was no different, but the garbage bag broke and kitty litter spilled all over the floor. The cat box is in the laundry room and the floor still had wet towels on it from the earlier drama. The kitty litter got all over the floor and the towels and quickly hardened into cat poop cement.

After a good 30 minutes of sweeping, vacuuming, and jackhammering I got the laundry room cleaned up. As I opened the washer to throw the damp towels in, I found my still wet work clothes from last night that I forgot to put in the drier.

That is why I am wearing shorts today.

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Now it is Friday and I have just discovered that all the clothes in my closet smell like cat pee. My parents gave me a bunch of chili peppers from eastern Washington and I found small red hot chili peppers scattered all around my house with cat bite marks on them. I think some giant kitten named Fred ate a little too much red hot chili and suddenly found he had the need to pee badly in the middle of the night. I sure hope it hurt.

I have almost nothing that I can wear to work today either now. I should have had some clean clothes on the ironing board but then I see Fred sprayed on that, too. Everything I own is covered in cat pee. Wait! There are some gym clothes in my gym bag! I'll have to wear those, which I am sure will go over really well at Boeing where all the 90 year old white male employees sill wear suits to work.

Later, at work, no one at works believes me, about the cat pee...or that I go to the gym.

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Now it's Saturday. I get to spend the whole day doing laundry. As I walk downstairs this morning I find cat barf up all over my stairs.

Not just the steps but the sides of the stairs too. There are spider parts in the throw up.

Now my day will be filled with laundry and steam cleaning my stairs.

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It's now Monday. I get up like normal this morning, have coffee, read the news on the internet, take a shower, and go downstairs to iron clothes for work. There are a bunch of clothes on my ironing board (left over from the all day Saturday laundry session) so I moved them onto my dining room table. As I am ironing my shirt....drama happens....I head a thud, a scream, another thud, another thud, then a siren.


Fred (pictured above, yawning) is a very large, very fluffy Maine Coon cat. He has taken a running jump from the kitchen counter to the pile of clothes on the dining room table. He lands on some folded towels, and using them like a surfboard, he slides across the table right into a large ceramic bowl. He crashed into the bowl (that is when the scream took place) and then Fred and the bowl and the towels continued to move across the table, crashing into a large chair. Fred, the chair, the towels, and the bowl all crashed into the large cat tower I have in the dining room. Fred, the chair, the towels, the bowl, and the cat tower all then crash onto the floor, creating a small seismic event, setting off my burglar alarm.

I turned off the burglar alarm, yelled at Fred, picked up everything, and went back to ironing my clothes. I heard my phone ringing, but I couldn't make it to the phone in time to answer. I did see on caller ID that is was the alarm company calling to see if I was being burgled. If I don't answer when they call and give them my secret code word they call the police. I live across the street from the police station so I assumed they would be right over and I was in my underwear as I had not finished ironing yet.

Trying to prevent a $150 false alarm visit and from being seen in my underwear, I frantically try to find the phone number to call the alarm people back. Finally I find the number, call, and get put on hold.

Finally this very slow and very talkative person who loves Maine Coon cats and used to have one that weighed 25 pounds and caused all kinds of trouble and was named Mainey and ate carrots and so on and so on and so on came onto the line and was able to call off the police after about 10 very stressful minutes for me.

I finish ironing my clothes and come out to find Fred asleep on top of the towels on the dining room table.