At this risk of being all Yentl here, this is one of those moments I will remember all my life. I am standing ankle deep in warm water on a beach in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I am looking up as the moon rises over a 10,000 foot tall volcano. Clouds are whirling around up there making the moonlight dance and play like flashlight beams in the fog. I think this is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. If only the whole trip could have been like this....
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Have you ever had one of those dinner parties where you invite all your favorite people, cook one of those things that you know you can nail without even trying, you don’t get drunk and cry about Buffy, you don't throw furniture at Republicans, everyone has a good time and tells you what a great cook you are, and how beautiful your house is, but when all is said and done you just were too busy and distracted to have fun at your own party?
That was kind of a long sentence, but it sums things up. I just went to my beloved perfect Maui with Mark, my sister Sherie, and her Republican husband…Berf…or Frent….Dart…something like that. I had an OK time. There was no drama, nothing terrible happened, it was in the 80s and sunny and I got to eat crab dip, but it just was not the life-affirming, spiritually recharging anti-hell mouth experience that Hawai’i normally is for me.
Maybe it’s because work is going well and I didn’t need to escape from anything. I just got a raise, some minions, and I like the people I work for. My jaw is not out of synch with the rest of my head and the red spots are at a minimum. Everything is good. I just accrued my first 40 hours of vacation time so...
Why not? What have I done for myself lately? Well there was that little jaunt down to Mexico at Christmas, and then the day at the Salish Lodge spa in January, but what have I really done for myself lately? I’ve tried to go shoe shopping at Nordstrom downtown twice recently and I just could not find anything to buy. So frustrating!
So shiny, sexy Wallpaper in hand, I am now at Sea-Tac. I’ve spent my tax return getting us all upgraded to First Class because, well….I hate poor people. My sister does not see the humor in this nor does she seem excited about the lumbar support, the Beverly Gannon food, or the ever-flowing champagne. Berf is excited about the “free beer!”
Some fool has moved the Hawaiian Airlines section of the airport from the beautiful new Terminal A to that crappy old Alaska terminal with the fish in the terrazzo floor and that stupid old mural of the Steve Miller "Abracadabra" video. I hate Steve Miller, I hate that song, I hate that video, and I hate Alaska Airlines with their sneaky Christian prayer pamphlets they leave under your food. Oops, sorry. Not being all aloha here, am I? A little stressed, Troy? Traveling with family stressful, Troy?
Oh look, there is Wayne from Procurement at The Mermaid. I will avoid eye contact and let him off the hook. Oh great, here he comes. What? He’s being nice? He’s glad to see me? He is not acting like I have leprosy. How strange. Does he still work at The Mermaid? I could expand here on the way I have been treated by some people at The Mermaid since I left, but whatever, I don’t really care now….I think. I did have that nightmare about being in a Starbucks store last week where I was buying a pound of Ethiopia Harrar when an armed robber came in and forced us all in the back room. He had us scrub the walls and floors at gunpoint. Then he fired shots and we all ran outside screaming. Then a big brown bear chased us all back into the store. Then a bunch of arrows came flying through the windows and we all died. I woke up screaming. I asked many people about this and most said to get some professional help quickly. One friend, who is still at The Mermaid, had a different reaction. She was like, “Dude, that is an average day for me here. What are you complaining about? It was just a dream. I live that everyday!”
So anyway, here I am in First Class, sipping champagne and listing to music over my Bose Noise Reduction headphones. I make sure to toast the poor people who go past me on that long, long, long walk down the aisle to coach. My sister and Braf are in the front row. As he learns that he can have all the beer he wants for the next 6 hours he loudly explains to everyone that he guesses he can’t fart now since he is in first class.
We are up in the air now. More champagne, a fresh crab salad, and a delightful beef and ginger ragout. Hot towel for my hands? Of course! Cognac with your coffee, sir? No thanks, more champagne please!
Darf won’t quit talking to the flight attendants. They are uncomfortable with this. They do not care that he is from Yakima, Warshington, and that he has never flown before. I don’t make eye contact with the flight attendants.
I watch the in-flight Hawaiian videos and documentaries and learn that Hawaiian people in Kaua’i have a different accent than those in O’ahu. This is why Honolulu is pronounced differently than Hanalei. Hono, Hana. Hono. Hana. Both mean bay in Hawaiian. Hono. Hana. Uma. Oprah.
Oh look, we are landing. Hi Maui. The flight attendants are telling Frent where he can go diving with some toothless sharks. I don't think there is such a thing as a toothless shark.
Oh, that perfect moment of breathing Hawaiian air. But then my sister announces to all that it is too hot. Too…hot…? OK, look woman, it was snowing when we left, you agreed that this was the most terrible winter of all time, and now it's too hot?! You are in Hawai’i! Shut the hell up or give me back my tax return!
Hertz does not have my car ready and I actually have to talk to the help and show my driver's license! Gawd!
We drive across the island. Haleakala is all out there and presentational. This makes me feel better. The highway to Kihei is still not done and is no farther along than last time. I love this. When they finish this road it will be time for me to die.
Oh my god. Some jackass has put a bunch of big fans up on the side of the West Maui Mountains. It's windy enough up there. They don't need all these fans, plus they are ugly!
As we approach Kihei the sun comes out, of course. The condo has been totally remodeled al la Beetlejuice. It looks great. There are strange underwater-looking light sculptures and this huge curving soffit in the lobby now.
I just love it when I walk into the open air lobby and immediately see the beach and that little volcano down in Makena.
We check in, change clothes, and head to the beach. Oh! Finally that wonderful feeling of being...home. I tear up a little. Sherie and Burp are both speechless at first and then agree that this is the best place on earth. Whales are breaching in the distance. All is right with the world.
After a while of frolicking on the beach I drag us all to the bar. We all must have our first Mai Tai. Your first Mai Tai of each trip is like your first Mai Tai ever. It changes you. It makes you a better person. Brap has a Bud Light.
(You can just bite me right now Zana Faulkner, http://divinecaroline.com/article/22143/24420)
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Dinner tonight is at Roy’s. My sister is paying for this. She doesn’t really understand that First Class cost me a fortune because I won’t tell her, but she does know we used some coupons from Hawaiian Airlines to cut their ticket prices so she offered to pay. I’ll let her pay.
OK, so I know that in my blog I always go back and forth about Roy’s. A couple months ago in O’ahu I was all anti-Roy’s, but the time before that it rocked. I think I have this figured out. The service at Roy’s in O’ahu is always great. The food at Roy’s in Kihei is always great. The food at Roy’s in O’ahu can be a fusion disaster. Service in Kihei is hit and miss. Whatever. I like Roy’s, especially when someone else is paying.
Tonight the front desk is terrible. Some white chick with giant overexposed breasts is mean to us even thought we have reservations. We wait 20 minutes to get seated, and then we sit at the table for 10 minutes without beverages. Finally this cute little Australian waiter comes over. Mark and I order fancy cocktails, sake martinis or something ridiculous like that. Brink orders a Bug Light, no glass please. My sister orders coffee. The whole restaurant gets quiet and crickets are heard. I explain that if she does not want to drink they have a lot of very fun non-alcoholic cocktails. No, she wants coffee. Roy’s has really, really bad coffee, but I know if I push the point I will come off, well, like the control freak that I am, so I drop it. Aloha Troy, aloha.
Boink insists on talking to the help. He chats with the cute waiter for 10 minutes while I cringe. The guy has gotten 2 new tables and needs to get food and drinks out to 3 others (including mine!) but my brother in-law has not finished describing a sushi restaurant in Yakima, Warshington to him. Aloha Troy. Embrace the sprit of Aloha.
The food was actually great tonight. We get this huge tray of pupus. I know they will not eat any Ahi and that Mark will not eat any Kimchee, so this means I get it all. For entrées I have Butter Fish, Mark has Ahi crusted with wasabi peas, Sherie has Mahi-Mahi stuffed with crab, Rorf has cow.
Later we have a quick walk on the beach. It's a perfect nighttime beach walk. The dippers are out and the blue glowy things are in the sand.
It’s been a long day. We crash early.
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You know, this is my 10th trip to Hawai’i. I think by now you know the drill:
We go up to the top of the volcano:
We go the aquarium and I take pictures of jellyfish:
We go on the Road to Hana:
We go to The Old Lahaina Luau. Brif talks to everyone.
Sitting right next to us is Hollywood movie star Kirsten Dunst, wearing Lolita sunglasses.
Here are some pictures of her - not taken by me - in case you do not know who she is:
Boy is she skinny.
And boy does she eat a lot.
She has her people with her – they shoo away the poor. I support this. One of her people is this very skinny white woman wearing a purple turban. When turban girl has her back turned for a second, some jackass comes up carrying his daughter in his arms. She has a pink cast on one leg (clearly a skiing accident). This fool asks poor Kirsten Dunst to sign his crippled daughter’s cast! What else can she do? Gracefully she agrees and I can see she signs “Your father is an evil fuckhead” on the girl’s leg. I like Kirsten Dunst now. She gets up 3 times during the show to go throw up in the bathroom.
Continuing on, we go whale watching on a boat:
There really were lots of whales. They just jump fast.
We have the religious crab dip and sashimi napoleon and mango margarita experience at Haliimaile:
I buy some masks at the Church of the Universal Life Force in Lahaina:
How was that for the Reader’s Digest version?
Now for something new. Lately, Mark and I have been on this spa thing. Get on a plane, go to a spa. Or just get in the car and go to a spa. Works for us both, I think. In Maui there are a lot of spas, but we choose Spa Grande at the Grand Wailea....because...well....Jane Smiley told us to, OK?
Actually, we have been here before. It’s great so we came back. It’s like crab dip and sashimi napoleons and mango margaritas. Boys to the left, girls to the right, no mixing! Yea!
Imagine a series of pools: a bubbly warm Japanese pool, a pool of moor mud, a pool of seaweed, a pool of exotic fruit juices, a pool of aromatherapy, a pool of crab dip, its just goes on and on. Waterfall showers, hot rock Lomi Lomi massage, a facial where some severe German chick actually squirts that shit out of your nose. It just can’t get better than this.
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So after nearly a week of playing tour guide, it’s the last night. Mark and I are going to Mama's Fish House. The family is staying at the condo.
Dinner is amazing. To start I have a Scorpion, a “Mai Tai on Steroids,” and Mark has a “Haleakala Kir.”
We have this appetizer of seared beef, Kula tomatoes, Maui onions and some lime in a grilled half papaya. This just made me fall down and wet my pants.
Next I have a tomato, onion and Pt. Reyes blue cheese salad and Mark has Maui Onion French Onion soup. Both are great.
We have this grassy disgusting Sancerre that tastes like dill. But I am polite and only mention this like 4 times.
I have Mahi Mahi stuffed with crab and shrimp with a lobster tail on top and Mark has this swordfish that has some kind of lime sauce. He wins.
Coconut ice cream with Lilikoi liqueur on top and plunger pots of organic Maui coffee to finish.
This was a perfect dinner, even with that blecky wine.
Maui, Maui, Maui.
OK. It's the last night. Soak this in. Don't think about the car accident in the parking lot at Foodland when Brerx picked a fight with the other driver. Or how much he told every waiter how much he loves the ketchup here. Or how he made breakfast with stinky canned crab from Florida that I had to eat to be polite. Or when he asked the manager at the grocery store if they sold bread in Hawai'i. No, no don't go there. Focus on Maui.
No, really, I love my sister and Brent is OK, for a Republican. Well, maybe that is stretching the truth a little, but my sister loves him and he is kind of comical in the same way the that president is.
I finish the wine.
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Now I am on the plane coming home. I am not necessarily relaxed, but I had a pretty good time. Certainly made some memories.
Mark and I already made plans to come back, by ourselves, next Christmas. After our little trip to Italy with his family in September.
But next, Santa Fe, in May!
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