One of the key learnings that you should have taken away from Buffy was that while you can choose to stay and fight, often it makes more sense to run. You tend to live longer that way, with the running. Especially if you have bite marks in your neck and you are bleeding.
I had to get away. But where? Where to run to?
Come on, you know where.
But not quite where you think. I am sorry, my darling beloved Maui, but I am going back to your larger urban brother, O'ahu (pronounced oh-ah-hoo not whaoo you haole fool). I need that sense of symmetry here. It was exactly one year ago that I was in the great American city of Honolulu watching W...I mean Katrina... destroy another great American city...live...on TV. That was just the start of a frickin' crappy year.
I am not going back to Maui until my neck is less bloody. Too embarrassing. Plus that highway from Kahalui to Kihei still won’t be done yet.
This will be trip number 9. It occurs to me that I have very vivid memories of music associated with specific trips.
- Nelly McKay for Kaua’i.
- Stop and Go for the bamboo forest on The Road to Hana.
- Aimee Mann for Hana town.
- Dionne Warwick driving up to Haleakala.
This one will be Regina Spektor. She's perfect for O'ahu, so cheap and juicy!!!
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We are on the plane now. First class, of course. I have my shiny, sexy Wallpaper. You know the drill.
No Bev Gannon lunch however, just a cinnamon roll, fruit, and a cheese blintz. I'll just have wine for breakfast, thanks.
We are in row three of first class. There is a bulkhead behind us, meaning we could actually put our seats back without wrecking anyone else's flight. I still can't do it -- it's just wrong.
I am feeling very zen right now here in first class, but things have not been good as of late. I have been so stressed out that my jaw got messed up by me grinding my teeth. It's kind of off-center and I cannot chew. Also, I've developed eczema or psoriasis or some flesh-eating virus on my fingers. They have pretty much all broken off and I just have a red rash for hands now.
I need some Aloha, badly.
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So this is number 9. Let's review, shall we?
Number 1, Big Island, beat up Martha and left her there.
Number 2, Maui for my 40th.
Number 3, Kaua'i with rain and mosquitoes
Number 4, Maui with my parents
Number 5, Maui with Sandy & Lisa
Number 6, Maui, Hana
Number 7, O’ahu Katrina
Number 8, Maui with Lynnette and Marie
...and now....
Number 9, O’ahu after the shitty year
Maui will be number 10 next March, unless I decide to go in December. My brain kept thinking all week that I was going to Maui, but I am truly excited to get back to O’ahu. I actually can’t wait. Cute Japanese boys, skyscrapers, the beach, it's all good. I am kind of drunk and sleepy now. Snore......
I wake up and see that Mission Impossible III is the in-flight film. This is so bad. That stupid little man plays a bad cop who tortures suspects and then invades other people's countries, shoots people, blows things up. Sounds just like our president. No wonder the whole world hates us.
Oh hello, O'ahu! That was a short flight. Of course all first class flights are short.
There is Kailua Beach where we are renting a house.
Downtown Honolulu
As we get off the plane and start to walk through the airport, I snap this picture of the city with Diamond Head in the distance.
Then the warm air hits me.
I am here.
I am back here.
Hawai'i.
I cannot describe how good this feels. Suddenly some of my fingers grow back and I can close my mouth a little bit.
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We get on the H-1 freeway and drive towards downtown. Several new Japanese looking skyscrapers have gone up since last year. We get off the main freeway and take a smaller highway that cuts through the mountains to get to Kailua. It's so cool that they just drill holes in the mountains here for freeways. Get in the tunnel and you come out on the other side of the island, usually with completely different weather.
Our rental house is nice - very clean, near the beach, but the pool is not private like we thought. The owners' house next door looks right out on the pool. Boo!
We go buy groceries at Foodland (love Foodland!) and then it's time for dinner at Roy's. Last time Roy's was a great experience after several nights of bad restaurants, but this time it is disappointing. There seems to be way too much of a focus on fusing Asian and European cooking. Fish does not need to be cooked with truffle essence and then a lililkoi cream sauce and then pancetta and then beurre blanc sauce with sesame seeds on top. Too much going on here! It does taste good with a nice German Riesling however. We still have the requisite molten chocolate thing for dessert. Why not?
After dinner we walk over to Kailua Beach. There is a little bit of moon peeking through the clouds. There is this very warm wind blowing towards us and the water feels like a bathtub. I grow back some more fingers and my jaw gets better.
Later back at the house, I pick up this book that is all about Hawaiian mythology and religion and culture. There is a section on the Menehune, the small hairy shower makers that were here before the Hawaiians came. There is another section that explains that all of the Hawaiian Islands are on top of some sort of magical spot that spews out good thoughts and calming spiritual energy. It's kind of an anti-hell mouth. My atheist brain does not believe in any of this crap, except for the Menehune, but there certainly is something about Hawai'i that makes one feel calm and happy and that all is right with the world. I cannot explain this, but it is true. Even buying toothpaste and toilet paper at Foodland makes me happy as long as I am here in Hawai'i.
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The next morning we are up early and walk back over to Kailua Beach.
Still warm, still beautiful. I see what looks like one of those round black bomb things on the beach. I pick it up and shake it. It's hollow. There is a very angry hermit crab inside. I set it back down.
We are off to Honolulu but we have to stop and get some Malasadas first. There is a little bakery in town that makes hot, fresh Malasadas. Imagine cake dough deep fried for just a second. Fall down and wet your pants amazing.
As we are driving back through the tunnel in the mountain to get to Honolulu, I spill coffee all over my Hali'imaile shirt and pants. I yell out "Son of a bitch!" Mark and I burst out laughing then, as clearly I am not quite filled with the spirit of Aloha yet. My jaw goes back to being crooked.
We want to go up to the top of this hill over Honolulu to take pictures, but it is kind of raining. This couple is up there hoping to take some wedding pictures. They are under an umbrella. It's sad.
Raining or not, it's still pretty cool up here. Diamond Head looks like a big cat food dish. Please note you cannot even see downtown Honolulu here.
We head down into town so I can try to buy some non-coffee covered clothes. I want to go to that mall that has the Japanese department store so that I can buy some more Happy Sun Luck Fun Sun Kitty Babies.
We go to Old Navy to buy shorts, but they don't have any. The clerk explains that since it is September they are now carrying the "fall line" and they do not sell shorts... at Old Navy....in Hawai'i. Fuck! I mean ...I mean Mahalo for checking! The Gap has two pairs or shorts left. I buy both and a t-shirt and change out of my coffee covered clothes.
I do buy several more Happy Sun Luck Fun Sun Kitty Babies.
I also get a really cool Japanese mask. When I ask for the mask, the clerk gets a concerned look on her face. She sounds just like Margaret Cho's mother, "Tengu? You want Tengu? He's scary!" Here is Tengu.
We head over to the Diamond Head Grill for the Ahi Mixed Plate. A huge piece of grilled tuna with wasabi, brown rice, and a salad for $7. Roy's could learn from this place.
Then it's time for Waikiki!
Waikiki. Crazy. Intense. International. Beachless.
I have decided I love this place. Certainly it has a bit of Las Vegas horror to it, but this is Hawai'i -- come on, it's fun! It's also just so Japanese, and also a bit like 5th Avenue in New York. The water is a gorgeous turquoise here.
We park in some high rise, cross the super crazy shopping street, then head for the mai tai bar. The Mai Tai Bar at the Royal Hawaiian.
The Royal Hawaiian Hotel, The Pink Palace:
The Mai Tai Bar:
The view from the bar:
The first one:
Jaw. Healing. Fingers. Healing.
So pretty here, in pink. We drink and drink and take pictures of boys.
After a while we head back to the main shopping area to walk around and shop a bit.
There are more ABC Stores than last time.
Mark sniffs the air and then, sure enough, there is a brand new Lush (read the pink sign).
I buy a Stitch candle from some Korean woman on the sidewalk who does not know what Stitch is.
Finally it is time to head back to the house.
But first, I know what you have been waiting for...
Here it is...
The Hot Guys of O'ahu 2006!
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We drive back through the mountains to Kailua. We stop at Foodland to buy dinner. This super nice lesbo-punk-Hawaiian chick gives us free samples of this amazingly good Poke. I am not sure if I have really gone off about Poke in my blog before.
Where to start? Poke (pronounced "po-kay" to you, whitey) means to slice or cut in Hawaiian. To me, Poke can only be made with raw chunks of blood red ahi, some seaweed, maybe a tiny bit of Maui onion and some sesame seeds and a hint of rice vinegar, soy, and some sesame oil. This is probably not authentic….but bite me. Imagine the most perfect piece of blood rare beef you have ever had, but firmer, fresher, still full of life. Slowly, you sink your fangs into the red flesh. You suck, you bite, you chew. You feel the life force come out of the meat and into yourself. Yessss!
Sorry, kind of lost myself in the kill there for a second.
Lesbo-punk-Hawaiian chick encourages us to have the Poke without Shoya sauce on top. She is right. The raw throbbing ahi really needs nothing but some chop sticks and my mouth.
We buy the rest of dinner and eat the Poke with our fingers in the car on the way to the house.
A quick dip in the pool and then it’s time for dinner.
We bought some Opa, but only because they were out of Mahimahi. It’s probably a good time to remind you of the main fishes you will suck the life out of in Hawai’i:
I am not sure how to cook this fish. I try to marinate it is some rice wine vinegar and soy sauce and then just fry it in a hot pan, but that is a less than limited success. I make some long beans with sesame seeds that turn out pretty good though.
We walk on the beach again this night. It so does not suck here.
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The next day we head into Chinatown. We have lunch at this restaurant called Indigo that is famous and is supposed to have really creative Asian food, but at lunch it's just a buffet. Boo! I hate buffets.
We wander around Chinatown for a while looking for Sichuan Peppercorns, and then we hit the mother load, the Sichuan Peppercorn mother load. Huge bags of the tongue-numbing little buggers for 99 cents each. I buy 45 bags.
We find this cool design store called INTO. I buy a turtle-shaped magnifying glass and a tasteful picture book called Sinners & Saints.
Mark buys a book on the history of Tippi Hedrin.
Now it's time to go to the spa. Oh yes, it is spa day. This will be the first time I have ever had a massage. Mark gets this kind of athletic young man named Buck or something while I get the Hawaiian chick masseuse named Lulu. I was hoping for some deep hard work on my back, but all I get is gentle loving Hawaiian caresses. Boo! Plus my facial was bogus – squirt that shit out of my nose woman, I am paying big bucks for this.
Actually I guess this spa was all fine, and a hell of a lot less expensive that going to a spa at a resort, but next time I think I want the full spa experience – no waiting, no downtown bus noises, no loud girls telling jokes while they get their nails done, no one named Lulu.
Dinner is at a high end Japanese place called Kyo-ya. It's very beautiful and sparse in kind of a minimalist Japanese way with lots of slate and rock gardens. We have a great cocktail waitress but our actual server is a much latter day Michelle Yeoh who hates us because we are keeping her from smoking out back.
We have Shabu-shabu which is raw slices of beef that you dip into this kind of herb scented soup to cook for just a second. Then you dip the beef in a spicy mustard sauce. It’s all very good but not as good as Kacho where we ate last time we were here. I just read that Kacho is being turned into a Nobu. Next time we come back to O'ahu, we will go to Nobu. Fits into the whole 5th Avenue thing.
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OK, so today we are driving up the Windward side of O’ahu to the North Shore. We have not been all the way up this road before. Follow the red line to see our route.
First we see the actual island that was used for the opening credits of Gilligan’s Island, one of our top television shows, really. It doesn’t actually look like Gilligan’s Island anymore.
Next we go to this large Buddhist Temple. It's in a big, big cemetery. I feel kind of bad going through a graveyard to get to this, but apparently it's quite the tourist attraction. You have to pay to get in, so it must be OK.
It is very serene here.
Little Buddhas sit our near the parking lot begging for money.
After our zen graveyard experience we continue our drive north. This is a small island called Chinaman’s Hat. Because, well, it looks like a Chinaman’s Hat. Is that racist?
The hole in this rock was caused by a Tsunami.
Now we are in this little town called Kahuku. Along the road there are all these shrimp trucks. We pull over and order shrimp in spicy garlic sauce. Immediately we start stuffing our faces. Everyone else at the picnic tables is staring at us, waiting. It's freaking me out. This can’t be some kind of creepy shrimp-based religious cult becasue all these people are tourists. Why are they staring at us?! Oh, I get it. The shrimp is not peeled. We pull the skin out of our teeth and the other tourists look away, satisfied. They all did the same thing and wanted to make sure we did too. Soon a young couple drives up, orders shrimp, and sits down. We stare at them.
After lunch we continue up the Windward coast. The scenery here is gorgeous. This place is easily as beautiful as Kaua’i.
We find this little shop along the side of the road that sells old bottles, masks, glass sea balls, etc. Mark buys some vintage Hawai'i soda pop bottles for his collection of vintage Hawai'i soda pop bottles and I buy this Indonesian mask that has three faces on it. I wonder how these guys will get along with Tengu?
(actually when I got home I kept them far away from each other)
Finally we get to the Turtle Bay resort. Like last time we go in to pee. We walk around the resort for a while and take pictures.
Then we head west to the beach called Turtle Beach.
Once again we are on the world famous North Shore of O'ahu and there are no waves. Except for this one little one. There are turtles however.
Here are people trying to take pictures of turtles. I thought it was only fair that I take a picture of them:
Turtle:
After a while we go have lunch at Haleiwa Joe's. Our waitress is fun, they have good wine, and several variations on a theme in raw tuna.
Then we go get shave ice. While we are in line I see this strange sign:
If you are too lazy to go back to my original O'ahu blog from one year ago, here is a reminder on how to order shave ice:
Flavors (I get Li Hing Mui of course)
Finally it's time to leave the North Shore. We head through central O’ahu finally catching the H2 back into the city, then the H3 through the mountains to Kailua. The drive on the H3 is incredible.
Driving through the lush tropical beauty we had no idea the world was about to come to end.
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Ok, so here is what happened with the whole Evil Clove Head thing. We were back at the house cooking dinner. One of the main fishes, some rice, bok choi, many mai tais and then some Sonoma Cutrer. We got kind of drunk, true. We were listening to some Swedish folk music and discussing the artistic merit and cultural importance of Nellie McKay vs. Regina Spektor. While a heated discussion, it certainly was civil. At 7:26pm we get a phone call from the owner of the house telling us to turn down our music…!
Our quite, tasteful Swedish folk music!
At 7:26 PM!
On a Friday night!
I am sorry but this music is a thoughtful calming cultural exchange! Here is a link: http://www.cardigans.com/?sid=archive&folder=videos Click on I need some fine wine and you, you need to be nicer.
Well suffice to say our drunken heads explode. Marks says we should just go to Honolulu and get a hotel room, but voice of reason that I am, I say we should just go for a walk on the beach. As we walk I seem to get more and more drunk, more and more angry. Finally it all comes out: the mermaid, Amazon, Bill's death, the whole fucking shitty year. Dark veins cover my skin and lightning starts to flash from my hands.
Be afraid world because this is it, I am going to detroy you all!
Mark taps me on the shoulder and says, "I understand why you want to destroy the world and all, but perhaps you should leave out, you know, Maui...and perhaps Australia...I was kind of thinking about that for my 40th...just a suggestion."
I agree and then I begin to cast an evil spell, a pox you and your kind. But before the spell of total world destruction is complete I look around me,...the beach, the stars, even the hungry sharks off shore staring at me. Crap...I am in Hawai'i. I can't destroy the world, even Starbucks. This dark evil anger has no place here. Starting at my feet I feel loving goodness of Aloha move upward. The veins go back in, the lightning fizzles.
Yes, the spirit of Aloha saved me...it saved us all. Mahalo Aloha!
But ...just before the last evil spark fizzles completly, I consider using this dark force to bring Bill back... but everyone knows how that stuff turns out...plus my new kittens are kind of mindless evil zombies of destruction anyway. Nope, I am done.
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So it’s the last full day. We are driving up the beach to Lanikai to stalk Michelle Pfeiffer’s house. Not her, as that might involve a lawsuit, but just trying to find the house seems innocuous enough.
Lanikai. Beautiful beach. Beautiful houses. Very expensive, but still kind of a beach town vibe. No, that’s not right, it’s not a town, there are no restaurants or stores, just houses. Beach house area vibe.
There are these two little islets that are out in front of the beach. They take calendar pictures of girls with big islets on this beach.
We walk up the beach, and after one mis-stalk find the house. It’s rather shrouded in trees. We know the house from an issue of Metropolitan Home from two years ago. Mark saved it. He lurvs her.
We take lots of pictures of the trees in front of Michelle Pfeiffer’s house and then walk to the end of the beach. Its one of those perfect Hawaii moments…beautiful beach, beautiful sand, beautiful sky…it’s all perfect.
I am sad. Leaving Hawaii is always sad. I hum The Last Good Day Of The Year.
As I type this Mark asks about future trips and the other islands:
Lana'i, oh please.
Moloka'i, I snort.
O’ahu is great, but I don’t need to come back here for a while.
The Big Island, I am against it.
Kaua'i, mosquitoes, rain, no good restaurants, but maybe worth another try.
Who are we kidding? After we go to Maui next time we’ll go back to Maui again the time after that too. Stupid Mexico and Italy could mean only one trip to Maui next year...yeah, right!
Dinner at tonight is at Lucy’s in Kailua. This is the big deal restaurant here. Service was kind of confused, so was the food. I am ready to go home. The mindeless evil zombies of destruction need me. Oh....Boeing too!
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The flight home is fine. People boo when we land. I love that.
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