O'ahu

Dear Maui,

Please forgive me. You know you are still my favorite, right? You know are still the best place on earth, no kai oi, right? I am so sorry, but I had to give it a try, O’ahu. It was just too alluring. Miles of skyscrapers, hundreds of restaurants, a real NPR station, sandy white beaches, palm trees, and Mai Tais! I had to. Don’t be mad at me. It didn’t mean anything.

Well, I came, I saw, I tried…and you are still the best, my love, but it was not a slam dunk. O’ahu is all I expected (good and bad), strangely foreign, and really beautiful in a way you are just too young for yet. I’ll explain…

It all started last Sunday …..

I am sitting in first class, lovingly caressing my new Wallpaper magazine. Pretty, shiny, sexy Wallpaper. I am waiting for the plane to take off and trying to not think about the sharks that will be below me soon.

God I need this vacation. I have been on a plane or in a hotel for the last six weeks. Miami, Miami, San Antonio, Miami, San Antonio.

I have read every magazine and newspaper that is for sale, twice. I can say now with certainty that Modern Bride is much more interesting than Popular Mechanics. I am fried and exhausted. The ongoing saga of Hear Music, the new job, an icky HR issue on top of that, and finally the big fiasco of my throwing lawn furniture at my Republican family and then being disowned. All this has contributed to my stress level. I am constantly coughing because I have stressed-induced acid reflux – meaning I am continually drowning in my own vomit. Not good, but nothing that some Mai Tais and some raw tuna can’t cure.

I cannot wait to get to Honolulu. I know I am going to love it. Everyone is all like, “Oh it’s just a big stinky loud city that could be anywhere, it’s not Hawaii. You will hate it.” What’s to hate? It is Hawaii, it has skyscrapers, good restaurants, a real NPR station. I am going to love it.

Flying first class is my birthright, I have decided. I was born for this. Flying coach to me is like the Korean War. I can’t even remember participating in that now. Some wine, some good food, catching up on some podcasts, and golly, here we are over Ni’ihau. I see the mosquito clouds of Kaua’i in the distance. Then there is Diamond Head, a lot of buildings, and what appears to be a very, very small beach.

We are here. Ah! That first breath of Hawaiian air!

The airport in Honolulu is old and confusing. There are no signs telling you where to go. Somehow we find our luggage and the Hertz bus. The #1 Gold Club membership at Hertz is a really good thing, however. Hi Mr. Masters. Here is a car. We gave you a free upgrade. No, we don’t need to see your ID. Aloha!

Mark and I get on the freeway. A real freeway. 12 lanes. We are on a 12 lane freeway in the world’s most remotest place. I love Hawaii. In the distance I see the skylines of Honolulu. Skylines plural. Downtown really resembles San Diego, but it is a lot more dense.

Beyond downtown is kind of a midtown area called Kaka‘ako. Here there are Japanese-looking towers before Waikiki, then Waikiki itself. Dozens and dozens and dozens of high rise condos, apartments, and hotels. Then Diamond Head. Wow. This is so cool. I find a Hawaiian music station on the radio and we head into Waikiki.

We need a glossary before we go on. O’ahu is the island we are on. Oh-ah-hoo. Three syllables, no W. Not Oh-waa-hoo. Honolulu is the city we are in. Ho-no-lu-lu. Four syllables. No Ah sound. Not Hana-lulu. Hana is a small town on Maui with exploding kimchee.

Mahalo for speakin’ right. Now I will continue to talk story as we say here on O’ahu.

The Never Lost GPS system in the car cannot find our hotel. She keeps saying we are there but we aren’t. Turn left Troy. Turn right Troy. Troy, you are here. Troy, park the car or I will open the pod bay doors. We quickly hit the off button out of fear. Finally we take a right, then a left into an alley and there is our hotel, the Waikiki Parc…in the alley… surrounded by several very tall buildings. This is very Blade Runner.


The Waikiki Parc is a high end hotel owned by a Japanese company. They own the very famous Halekulani next door (where we have signing rights!). We park the car, get out, and somehow they know our names! They grab our luggage before we can speak and we are ushered into the lobby. Hello white peop…Mr. Masters. Hello Mr. Englehart. You do know that the valet parking and your breakfast each morning are free, right? Also, since you are staying here for a week we will give you one night free also. Mahalo for staying with us, white people.

The room is kind of small, but there is a king bed, a desk, a flat screen TV, and a small sitting area. There is also a small deck and since we are on the 18th floor we have a view of the ocean over the Halekulani.

We quickly unpack and then head out. We walk through the maze of high-rise buildings to get to the beach. To Waikiki beach. When we get there the first thing I ask Mark is, Where is the beach? There is a little patch of some sand near us then a seawall and a walkway. Mark points at the sand, That is the beach. I remember it from when I was a small child and we came here. This “beach” is approximately 6 feet by 8 feet. Something is wrong here. We climb the stairs to the seawall and come down into another little patch of sand. This is also Waikiki, Mark explains. We see a very pink Moorish looking building that I recognize as the Royal Hawaiian Hotel. My inner alcoholic GPS system kicks in and instinctively I know they have a Mai Tai bar there. Imagine, a whole bar where all they do is Mai Tais! Screw the beach.

We trudge through the sand to get to the bar and order drinks. As we wait we begin to notice that everything here is pink. Pink hotel, pink umbrellas, pink napkins, pink waitresses. I look at the menu and realize that the Mai Tais here only cost $6.75. This has to be wrong. Drinks in Miami cost $13. What is going on here? Then I forget about this as our drinks arrive. My first Mai Tai of this trip. I take a photo then sit and stare at my pretty drink for a moment. So pretty.


Mark and I click glasses. Then I sip. Mmmm, vacation!

Dinner tonight is at the Japanese restaurant in the hotel, Kacho. We are the only white people here. Everyone who works here is a Japanese woman. The service is very good. We start off with these silly Sake / melon martinis. We order this chef’s tasting menu. This consists of sushi, raw tuna, big fish eggs, a beef salad, strange Japanese fish-based jello (we think), miso soup, and then green tea ice cream. Everything was really good here and this was the most attentive service I have ever had. Mark was not so happy with the giant fish eggs but he did good with the fish jello.

After dinner we have to crash – the three hour time change is too much.

End of Day 1.

It’s morning. We are up at 4am to watch the coverage of Hurricane Katrina. It’s really horrible and really upsetting. I will have to remove the Marie Laveau Anti-Hurricane Force-Field joke from my Miami travel log. I decide that I am on vacation and need to try and enjoy myself. I give money to the Red Cross and then I turn off the TV.

By 6am we go down to the main hotel restaurant for breakfast. Again, we are the only white people here. There is kind of an American buffet breakfast and a Japanese breakfast. I sprinkle seaweed on my scrambled eggs.

After breakfast we go for a walk on “the beach”. There is this hilarious and beautiful black woman on the rocks modeling for her boyfriend who is taking pictures. She is loud and very funny. “WHOO Boy. Take my picture! Take my picture boy! WHOO!” The Japanese tourists seem to be afraid of the loud black woman. They frown and run away. Unfortunately one of those flying turds from Maui seems to have followed us here and it starts to dive bomb the woman. “God Damn! Do you see the size of that bee!? WHOO!” Mark makes his flying turd noise, “Gnaah! Gnaah!” and we run away too.


Soon we are stopped by this creepy overweight middle aged security guard who asks what is going on in New Orleans. He won’t stop talking to us and keeps trying to convince us that this is somehow Japan’s fault. After I get fired from my job and I do a stint as a homeless person I know I will turn into crazy security guard guy too. I will blame everything on George W Bush, not the Japanese however.


Now we are off to climb to the top of Diamond Head before it gets too hot out.
Diamond Head is an old volcano. It dominates the skyline of Honolulu. The Hawaiian name is "Leahi". Invading whitey called it Diamond Head because the rocks up there are kind of shiny like diamonds. Here is the history:

We drive into the crater and park. Then we look up, way up, to the top of the crater rim. Golly that is a long way up. We have purchased giant bottles of water. I am wearing my hiking boots (OK, trail shoes). Sun block has been applied. We are ready. I ask Mark if maybe we should just go back to the Mai Tai bar but he insists that we make this climb.

Soon we are hiking along with lots of Japanese people. The paved road ends and now there is dirt and rocks. We are high enough to see the neighbor islands Moloka’i and Lana’i in the distance (you have to look hard here).

We could not see Maui which is good because I could not have dealt with the guilt.

Now there are stairs. Many many stairs. We climb the stairs. And climb. As old and fat as I am I pass people who are younger and skinnier than me. That feels good. Then the good feeling ends. There is a hole. A big black hole. A tunnel. I hate tunnels. There is a line of people behind me so I must go forward. I am walking through a tunnel that has been carved in the mountain. I cannot see light on the other end of the tunnel. I am convinced that there is going to be an earthquake right now. The tunnel will collapse and I will be trapped under fallen rocks. I won’t be killed, no, but then there will be a huge rain storm and the rain water will funnel down into the big black hole. I will drown here in the dark trapped under the rocks. As I explain this to the other people in the big black hole, small children start to cry and grown ups tell me to shut up. Geez! Just telling you what I think!


A voice tells me to go towards the light Troy, go towards the light. I do, and then hey look we are in a little WWII gun hidey place. We can look out over the island through tiny little windows. There is a place for our guns to shoot through. There is a slightly larger window you can climb out of and then we are in the sunlight on top of the hill. There is a great view of Waikiki and downtown beyond.

The other way…

Down at the water…

One more…

After a while we go back down and drive around the neighborhood. There are a lot of really nice homes here.

The we head over to the beaches in the picture above.
We see Sea Turtles in the water…


We go back to Honolulu and have lunch at this little store called The Grill at Diamond Head. This is a great place that we read about in the New York Times. It’s kind of a gourmet grocery store/bakery/walk up grill. I get grilled Ahi, rice, and a salad for around $6. Why is this so cheap?

Then we head to Honolulu’s Chinatown. I have read that this is a gritty and exciting place where anything can happen. There are lots of fresh food markets, fish markets, prostitutes, ancient Chinese secrets. Alas, this Chinatown about the size of Seattle’s and about as interesting. We spend an hour trying to find Schezuan Peppercorns but we are not successful. We do see this one store that I must take a picture of however:

As we get back to the parking garage I also must take this picture:

Is this art or a restaurant review?

We go back to Waikiki and have Mai Tais at the pink place. I like it here.

Later we go to dinner at this sad place called the Shanghai Bistro. This place had some good reviews but they were lies. We have 5 different waiters, none of whom seem to be able to deliver anything in a timely way or refill our drinks. The food is not good or authentic. One very cute waiter, Shawn, cracks up when he sees my name on the credit card. Master? Your name is Master? He follows us out, Goodbye Master! Goodbye Master!

The 3 hour time zone thing is still getting to us so we crash after dinner.

End of Day 2.

My father calls at 6am to say he is in Boston drinking beer in a pub watching a Red Socks game and playing cards with my uncle. Isn’t that zany? He’s in Boston watching a Red Socks game on TV! That is great Dad. Do you realize there are 6 times zones between Boston and Honolulu? I am going to call him at 10pm Hawaii time tonight and tell him I am drinking Mai Tais on Waikiki and taking pictures of cute boys.

Today we are off to Lanikai and Kailua. These are two very amazing beaches on the Windward side of O’ahu.

Lanikai

More Lanikai

There are weird things on the beach here. Holes in the sand.

Then we see these worm things.

This is too creepy. I have hated sand worms every since I saw the movie Dune, and definitely since I saw the movie Tremors, so we leave quickly. We go farther up the windward coast. It’s very, very beautiful, like Kaua’i.

Kaua’i and O’ahu are much older than Maui so they have had time to erode, thus the pretty mountains. Maui is not old enough to have eroded. That is nothing to be embarrassed about. Speaking of Maui, we have lunch at Maui Taco in Kailua. I have a fish burrito called The Ho’okipa. I put on too much hot sauce and get the hiccups.

As you can see in the picture above they have cut a freeway into the mountain here. I love that. This is the H1 Freeway. We take it back to the city, which takes like 10 minutes, but the drive is incredibly pretty.
Back at the hotel we go find the pool. It’s on the 8th floor and has an OK view of Waikiki. There is this annoying building that seems to be a rip off of the Space Needle. It is called the Space Thumb Tack.

We walk over to Kalakaua Avenue, the main shopping street in Waikiki. It is filled with high end stores like Chanel, Tiffany, Armani, etc. Thousands of Japanese teenagers in cool t-shirts are out shopping and talking on their cell phones at the same time. This is intense. Lots of people, lots of stores. It really has the same energy of 5th Avenue in New York except of course that we are the only white people here. There are some more loud funny black women walking down the street scaring the Japanese kids. As I laugh at them they wave me over and make me smell their leis.

But then I smell something else. Something familiar. Something fabulous. Mark smells it too. We squeal and shout out in unison, LUSH! The black women laugh at us and make a sign with their hands. Initially I thought it was that Hawaiian shaka thing, but then I realized that it's that thing you do with your pinky when you are drinking tea.

Who cares! There is a Lush over there! We run in and the girl working the floor looks at my Haliimaile t-shirt and squeals, How do you know about Haliimaile?! I squeal back, I go there every three months. It’s my favorite restaurant! She squeals back, Oh wow I am from Maui. I squeal back, I love Maui. And I love Lush! When are you going to open one in Seattle? She squeals back, There is one in Bellevue now. There is dead silence… punctuated only occasionally by the sound of crickets…but then we get over that and start shopping.

This makes me recall another Great Moment In Gay History. I was sitting in a theatre downtown watching Moulin Rouge when suddenly I scream out “Oh my God! Kylie is the Green Fairy!” If you don’t get this I cannot possibly explain.

Anyway as we continue along Kalakaua Avenue I notice that there are a lot of Starbucks stores. Two within one block of our hotel. And then there are a lot of Macy’s stores -- many more than Starbucks. But then I notice the ABC Stores. They are everywhere. Not just in convenient places like on Maui or Kaua’i, but quite literally everywhere. There are four or five per block.

We go back to the hotel and turn on the TV. The local news is more focused on the World Little League champions from O’ahu than New Orleans. The headlines here for two days have been about the world little league champions from the West O’ahu town of 'Ewa Beach. They are obsessed that the mainland TV people can’t pronounce ‘Ewa correctly. It’s eh-va, like ever without the r.

I also see on the news that W has been on vacation during the events of the hurricane and now wants us all to pray. That will help for sure. I will have another drink now and be on vacation or I will go ballistic and start throwing lawn furniture at someone. We cry for a little while, have some more Mai Tais, then get on the web to see what city in the world has the most LUSHs. Sao Paulo, Brazil has the most. Seattle has none.

We go to dinner at Hiroshi’s Eurasion Tapas. Our Caucasian waiter Cory is very animated, the food is not. Hiroshi used to be a chef at Sansei, a good sushi place in Maui. We have variations on a theme of small Asian dishes, but nothing really works. I focus on the Lychee martinis instead. I learn that the Lychee is pronounced Lie-chee not lee-chee. The things you learn here! Dessert is good. Very nice vanilla panna cotta. Green tea crème brulee is not so good. Please note -- giant foie gras is never a good idea. It’s too stringy and reminds you of what you are actually eating. Foie gras should always be little. I note again that all the food and drinks here are way too cheap.

End of Day 3.

Next day we have breakfast as usual in the hotel, steamed fish, miso soup, seaweed, and green tea. Then we drive up to Tantalus and take pictures. I don’t really know what Tantalus means. It doesn’t sound too Hawaiian. Wasn’t Tantalus one of those Greek Gods that preceded the Greek Gods on Olympus? I have blanked out my liberal arts education much like the Korean War. Let's see...pre-Olympus gods...Titans? Too much thinking. I need a Mai Tai.

So without having anything to drink besides coffee (or green tea), we drive through downtown Honolulu, over the freeway into this highrise neighborhood that looks strangely like First Hill in Seattle, into this hilly neighborhood like Queen Anne. Expenvive houses like Queen Anne, but in the jungle. This drive is really like The Road To Hana on Maui. Jungle, dense, flowers, really amazing. We pull over to this little turnout to look at the view. This really old, old German guy with way better calves than me is running up the hill with his grumpy dog. He looks at us, immediately senses our innate Caucasian connection as the only white people on this island. He says, "Böyz, Zer is a vay betta park mit einer better view up three blöcks. Gö take yöur pictures up zhere!" So, vell, vee go up zhere.

I tried to use Paint Shop Pro to paste together all the pictures from the top of the hill so I could try and show what Honolulu really looks like. This is my best shot. It doesn't really capture what it is like up here.

Nope. This does not work. We will start from the left and move right. First. Check out how amazing Diamond Head looks from here:

More skyline:

More:

More

Downtown (bigger than San Diego!):

Now look at this again and just fall down and wet your pants.


So now we go down to town to shop. We go to Ala Moana Mall to a Japanese department store called Shirokiya. I buy a solar power moving cat called Sun Luck Happy Fun Sun Kitty Baby.

No, that is Bill. He is fluffy. Here is Sun Luck Fun Happy Fun Sun Kitty Baby.

This happy kitty robot moves its head and arm when there is enough light to power its solar cells.

They have really good food here at this department store. We get two kinds of noodles, some grilled lotus root, and some vegetables with tofu. This costs like $4. What is it with the cheap food on this island? Then we go to the Apple store so I can buy some new headphones for my i-Pod (Bill ate my old headphones). We try to find a store to buy cool Japanese t-shirts but we cannot find one. It's all Chanel and Versace and Tiffany here. And Sears. Do I need a new watch?

We do not see anyone who was on Knots Landing here.

The we go over to the Aloha Tower Mall. Aloha Tower used to be the tallest building in Hawaii. It is not now. This is a sad, boring mall.

We decide to go have drinks at the Hilton. And now I have to fess up. The main reason we went to O'ahu was because of this old TV show from 1960 called Hawaiian Eye. It was a detective show with a very young Robert Conrad and his ass in his swimming suit and Connie Stevens as a very talented jazz singer at ...The Shell Bar. The Shell Bar was at the Hilton Hawaiian Village. We wanted to go see where a young Robert Conrad's ass had been. Plus we like Connie Stevens.

Here she is with Robert Conrad and Troy Donahue (who I was named after and who also has hair as naturally blond at I do).

Here are some pictures of Robert Conrad from Hawaiian Eye.


Doesn’t this make you want to go to O'ahu?

The Shell Bar is now only a ghost of its former self. But we have Mai Tais here anyway.


So keeping with the super-gay theme here we have appointments to go get facials at the Halekulani. $250 facials.

God, I even embarrass myself.

So we get there, the Asian women are very nice, but they are just as uncomfortable with this as I am. I can tell they want to ask us who we are for in the USC vs. Hawaii game this weekend, but of course we do not know what this means. We start off with a ritual foot pounding(?). Then several hours of rubbing and scraping and peeling. I had fruit covering my eyes for most of this so I did not have to look, but it sure felt good. I kept falling asleep and snoring, really loud.

Afterward we each bought $120 worth of product and enjoyed frozen melon pops and ginger hibiscus tea out by the pool.

With 10 years off our faces we go to dinner tonight at OnJin’s.

Like all good Hawaiian restaurants this is in a strip mall. This was so good. Lobster Ravioli in a vanilla bean sauce, Ahi in a Lilikoi beurre blanc sauce, $6 glasses of Sonoma-Cutrer!!! The food even comes with a salad! Fools. The waiter suggests a nice bottle of Argentine Malbek to go with the rack of lamb. Dinner for two was $109. This is crazy!!! Charge more. Charge much more. What is wrong with you people?

We try to go to bed early, but I have to sleep in the bathtub because Mark is snoring. Snoring does not really capture this. This is the snore that parted the Red Sea. This is the snore that sunk a thousand ships. This is the snore that makes me grab a blanket and some pillows and move into the bathtub.

End of Day 4.

Sleeping in the bathtub was an experience. As I wake up around 6am I am certain that blood has pooled in my legs and I will have a stroke if I move. Around 7am I call for help and Mark calls down for a wheelchair. He says I was snoring. Yes, that's why I slept in the bathtub.

As I regain movement in my legs we are off to the North Shore. We have to get back on that 12 lane freeway, the H1, to get to the North Shore. Actually I think we took the H3 to the H1 to the H2. Somewhere in there was an H201. Here is a map of Honolulu freeways. I think we took all the red roads.

Suffice to say we got lost. Finally we are going in the right direction. There are little mists of rain as we cross over the mountains. Pretty. As we come down into the North Shore I see it is not at all what I expected. I thought it would be green and lush like Hana or Hilo or Hanalei. It’s kind of brown and crunchy. The guy on the radio says there is no surf today, but you shouda see it yestaday!

The beaches here are nice. And famous. Sunset Beach, Sharks Cove, Turtle Bay.

This is where all the surfing films are made. But there are no waves today, except for this little one.

We sneak into the Turtle Bay resort to pee.The lobby is nice.

We have an amazing lunch at Haleiwa Joe’s in Haleiwa.

The food here was really good. And again, really cheap.

Poke,

Ahi,

Ceviche,

Crab spring rolls.

Mark gets some repulsive grassy Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand (that is redundant right?), so I get Pinot Grigio.

5 minutes later

Then we go for Shave Ice at Matsumoto’s Shave Ice! If you don’t know what Shave Ice is go back and read my Kaua’i travel log. They don’t really have many places to get Shave Ice on Maui. Kaua’i has the best Shave Ice of all. I think that is the first good thing I have ever said about Kaua’i. At Matsumoto's they have lots of flavors to offer:

Plus they tell you how to order.

We need to do this at Starbucks.

I get a large Lilikoi and Li Hing Mui on ice cream and beans. The beans are new to me... and an acquired taste. We check out a few little galleries this town and then head back to Honolulu. We have to buy anti-snoring nose holding open things and ear plugs tonight or someone is going to be murdered. We find a Longs Drugs and buy the anti-snoring supplies.

Then we go back to the hotel for gin and tonics and play cards. I totally kick Mark’s ass on cards. Tonight we are just walking up the beach for dinner at Duke's. Duke is that famous Hawaiian surfing guy. Here is a statue of Duke.


I have no expectation for a quality dinner at Duke's. We are supposed to have to wait a long time to get in but we are seated almost right away. Troy Donahue is our waiter. My Mahi Mahi is boring but the Duckhorn Sauvignon Blanc is great. That is because it is not from grassy New Zealand! Just as we are leaving, these older Hawaiian women with Ukuleles come over and sing "Tiny Bubbles" for us. We clap and tip them at lot. By the way, Ukulele is pronounced ooo-ku-lay-lee, not you-ku-llay-lee. Ooo, not you.

As we walk back to the hotel the sun has set and it is just getting dark. Waikiki is crazy and annoying and crowded and a lot of fun.






We sneak through the Halekulani and I take a picture of the pool.

Isn't this an amazing picture? The bottom of the pool has over 1,000,000 tiles used to make the mosaic of the flower.

Finally it is anti-snoring bedtime.

The ear plugs and the snore strips work. No one is murdered tonight.

End of Day 5.

We are back downstairs for breakfast. All these Japanese boys are so cute with their dyed hair. I am a creepy old man.


Today we are heading back to the Windward side just because the beaches here are so beautiful.

OK, OK, this is a way prettier than my beach on Maui. It’s true, I give in. I'm sorry Maui. You are too young for this. 100,000 years, that’s all you need.

Some weird guy is walking up and down the beach actually talking to people he doesn’t know. Many of these people are not from Seattle so they engage him in conversation. I see what is happening. I know this man is a serial killer. He is interviewing victims. We try to walk fast but he catches up with us. “Wow isn’t this beautiful? Where are you from?” Being Seattleites we know how deal with overly friendly people. “Yes” we say in unison. That is all we say and then there is silence. He stairs at us waiting for a response. We smile in that chilly Pacific Northwest kind of way. Beaten by our passive aggression the serial killer moves on to his next victims. Here he is talking to his next victims.

Speaking of eating, today we decide to just go get lunch at Foodland. Foodland, if you don’t know, is a very nice grocery store in Hawaii. There are not as many Foodlands as ABC Stores. We get wasabi poke, lomi lomi salmon, two kinds of noodles and tea.

We go back to the beach. Serial killer is gone. We walk on the beach for a long time, take pictures, drive around some more on the Windward side, then our livers start to dry out from the heat so we go back to the Royal Hawaiian Mai Tai bar. We drink and take pictures of cute boys walking along the beach. Here is a compilation of The Cute Boys of O’ahu, 2005:


Some restaurant reviews say that Nick’s Fish Market is a great place to go. We know the one on Maui is good, so why not? Before we leave I put on one of my good Tommy Bahama shirts and I realize either I have gain 50 pounds in 1 week or it has shrunk. I have gained 50 pounds in one week. I look in the mirror. I am a cross between Sally Struthers and Jabba the Hut.

This makes me sad and very grumpy. We walk over to Nick’s Fish Market and my mood gets darker. I stop small Japanese people on the street, “Look at me. Look how fat I am! God, I am gross!” They don’t speak English but they take my picture and laugh anyway. I am in hell. We are early so we go in the bar. Some 11 year old greets us and says we can sit where ever we want, but no one comes to get our order. Ever.The restaurant is dark, there is bad 80s music playing, it is sad here. My mood gets even worse. We walk out and do not come back. We walk over to the restaurant House Without an Eye or Door without a Face or something like that at the Halekulani. This is a hotel coffee shop. The people who work here have name tags on. They serve broasted chicken. I cannot do this. We try to get into Orchids, one of the nicer restaurants at the Halekulani, but they look at us and laugh and say they may have an opening around midnight. Suddenly the demon that has been possessing me moves over to Mark’s body and he is now very grumpy and depressed. I suggest we go back to the hotel, let me get out of my very shrunken shirt, and I will make some calls. Mark hisses at me, but we go back to the room. Out of desperation I call Roy’s. They are booked up in the main dining room but they have a less formal walk in dining area where they seat children. We drive over. I am in a much better mood now but Mark is still possessed.

When we get to Roy’s they find us a table in the grown up section immediately. And they are really nice about it. Roy’s. How could we even think about not coming here? You cannot go to Hawaii and not have dinner at Roy’s. As usual we start with the Canoe of Appetizers: crab cakes, shrimps sticks, seared ahi, Chinese spare ribs, kimchee. I have Snapper wrapped in nori and Mark has Opa done in a cheese fondue and southwest infused polenta (there was no cheese, I have no idea what this means). We compromise on wine and get a bottle of American made Duckhorn Sauvignon Blanc. It’s perfect. We finish off with the requisite molten chocolate dessert thing. By far our most expensive dinner of the trip, but a perfect way to end our last night here.

Driving back to Honolulu we hear this goofy song on the Hawaiian radio station. “Color free, fragrance free, leaves entwined like something fine, my Hawaiian Girl.” Wow. Time to go home.

Ear plugs in, this is the end of our last night here.


In the morning I get online and get us upgraded to first class. I can’t go back to coach. I can’t even consider it.

We drive to the old dark Honolulu airport. Hello Mr. Masters. Did you enjoy your car from Hertz #1 Gold Club?

We have the bags zapped for tropical vermin then get into the first class line skipping in front of the little people. I LOVE THIS! A very fast and very friendly lady says we can go wait in the first class lounge. We are excited but it turns out that all this means is free CNN, free juice, and some pretzels. We leave and get on the ancient Wiki-Wiki bus (which substitutes as a transit system here). We get dumped off in the Hawaiian Overseas terminal. We find a bar and have our final Mai Tais of this trip.

Here is my final picture of Diamond Head coming out of the top of the plane.


OK. Back home now.

You are still the best. You know that right? No ka oi. This little flirtation with the neighbor did not mean anything, really. Just so you know I am not lying I booked tickets today for the first week of January. Crab dip.

Love,
Troy