As you know from my previous travel logs, Maui is the best place on earth. The Hawaiians have an expression, “Maui no ka oi”, which in means “Maui is the best”. As proof, here is a picture of the hand of God pointing at Maui, clearly expressing his preference for the south Maui area between Kihei and Wailea.
As we focus in on God’s finger, it’s clear he is pointing at Keawakapu beach, which coincidentally is exactly where I am going.
I am so happy. There is always this special happy la la energy everyone has on a flight to Hawaii. No ones goes there for work. Everyone is on vacation, so we’re all smiling and happy. La la! Going to Maui!. La la! I’m going to order a glass of wine now.
OK, I’m over all that good mood stuff now. The evil, elderly, badly dressed woman in front of me has decided to move her seat all the way back. If you have read any of my previous travel logs you know this drives me insane. I think it’s the single most rude, inconsiderate, truly evil thing one human being can do to another. I cannot use my laptop, cannot read, I can barely breathe. There is a special place in hell for people who move their seats back. It’s right between child molesters and Republicans.
I try to flick food onto her maroon colored hair, but it just lands in my wine. I cannot take this for 6 hours. I decide to take a Tylenol PM and a Benadryl with my glass of Chardonnay so that I can sleep.
I am awake and back in la la mood now. We’re only 30 minutes out. Maui! Maui! Maui no ka oi… It’s been 11 whole months since I was last here. I made the mistake of going to Kauai in May. In Hawaiian Kauai means “Land of mosquitoes, rain, and no good restaurants”. It does not rain in Maui. There are no mosquitoes. There are lots of good restaurants as you will see as you read on. Maui really is the best place on earth. I look out the window and see Kauai and its mosquito clouds below.
We’re here! I can see West Maui out the window. Hi Wailuku! Hi Haleakala! Hi Kihei! There’s the condo! Now I’m crying. I am so glad to be back here.
I get off the plane. Ah, it’s in the 80’s. The sun is shining. It’s perfect, of course. Wasn’t it supposed to snow at home tonight? I’ll call people at home as I’m walking along the beach tonight. More on the beach at night later.
So now I’m back here again, with Mark and Sandy and Lisa. We get our rental cars and head through really annoying traffic across the island to Kihei. Hi stinky old sugar plant that smells like molasses! OK, I have to stop this.
For several weeks I have been waiting to have my first taste of my first Mai Tai at the bar of the Five Palms Restaurant in the condo. Please don’t take that to be an endorsement of the 5 Palms Restaurant. This is just a very strong endorsement of the Mai Tai’s and the view from the bar there. I just can’t wait. I inform everyone that we will not stop till we get to the condo, We will not check in, we will not unpack. I want that first drink and I want it now. We drive through the tacky strip malls that are Kihei. They are all decked out with Christmas decorations, Christmas trees, Santas in swimming suits. Come to think of it, there are Hawaiian Christmas carols on the radio:
Numbah Twelve day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Twelve Television, eleven missionary, ten can of beer,
Nine pound of poi, eight ukulele, seven shrimp a-swimmin',
Seex hula lesson, Forty steenkin' peeg,
Foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree!
I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS! Drive faster! Finally, we arrive at the condo, the Mana Kai Maui. Run! Run! Move it people! Get to the bar!
Ah! My first real Mai Tai of the vacation. Mmmm! No need to speak.
So we check in, we unpack. We relax a little. Then we take Mark out for his birthday dinner. 37. Fuck is he old. We are going to Roy’s (http://www.roysrestaurant.com/). Roy’s is a big deal in Hawaii. Fresh fish, good wine list, fun drinks, molten chocolate dessert. The front desk woman was horrible to us, but I tried to not strangle her as we sit down and are greeted by our waitress. Blond and very pretty, she took our cocktail orders. Then she asked Sandy if her tattoo was fake. She brought out our drinks and brought Sandy a beer even though she didn’t order one. The waitress explained that since Sandy was clearly a Harley rider she just assumed Sandy drank beer. Sandy calmly explained to her that while her tattoo was real, she did not order a beer, she did not own a Harley, and she would prefer a gin and tonic followed by a nice Cabernet. We had a couple of good appetizers, and then ordered entrees and wine. Boys ordered a bottle of white; girls ordered a bottle of red. This was to be a consistent theme throughout our visit. For an entrée I ordered Roy’s Hawaiian Style Misoyaki Butterfish. I always get this here. It is really just cod that has been marinated in sake, miso, and a bit of soy overnight. It is outstanding. Hilarious blond waitress woman continues to flirt with us. Finally it’s time to order dessert. We order 2 of Roy’s Melting Hot Chocolate Soufflés which is what you have to order here, but first they bring out a little birthday thing with candles on it. I really did not order this. The waiters must have overheard us. I love this place! We drive home by braille.
After a bumpy ride back to the condo we go for a walk on the beach. I have some strong memories of this beach at night. It is so incredible. The stars, there are dozens of them. I turned 40 on Keawakapu beach. Mark took me to dinner at Sarento’s that night. Sarento’s is a really great restaurant right on the beach. I ate lamb, I got very drunk, and sad. I didn’t want to be 40 and everyone at work forgot my birthday. I cried, but the three main things I remember from the beach that night are:
- The water was so warm it felt like a bathtub
- The Big Dipper was upside down
- The moon was just a sliver and upside down also.
Another memory of Keawakapu beach is from January. We were here with my parents we took lots of walk on the beach. The first several nights there was a full moon. My parents had never been anywhere like Hawaii before, and my mother is actually allergic to direct sunlight, so the experience of walking on a beautiful beach with warm water fully lit by a bright moon was pretty incredible.
There is no moon out tonight. The water is incredibly warm. No clouds in the sky. It’s really wonderful. I explain that during my first trip to Maui the Big Dipper was upside down. Lisa says this is normal down near the equator. We try to find the Big Dipper… or the Little Dipper, but all we can see are dippers everywhere. It was little strange, the night sky as interpreted by Williams-Sonoma. So we’re here in Dipperville when we suddenly see these little blue glowy things in the sand. They are small, blue, glowing, impossible to pick up. Much more strange than the multiple dippers above. We cannot figure out what these are. Baby squids? Something dumped from a Russian submarine? The next day we Google “glowy blue sand”. No luck. Perhaps we were the first to see this phenomena. Sandy wasn’t really into it.
The next morning we get up and go for a walk on the beach. Mark and I decide to walk as far as we can down to the big Wailea resorts. About a quarter of the way down the beach I am ogling pretty houses when I get nailed by a big sand filled wave. Did I mention there was sand in the wave? We keep walking and walking. My legs hurt. I see a commotion in the surf, fins and tales. Concerned, I look down and see blood. The sand in my shorts has scraped my inner thighs raw and I am gushing blood. I…I’m sushi!
Quickly we run back to the condo. Neosporin is my friend, but the pain will linger for days. No snorkeling for this California Roll.
I cook breakfast for us all and we head south towards Makena. We drive past the resorts, past Big Beach and Little Beach, down to this moonscape of lava. This is where Haleakala’s last eruption took place in 1780. It’s very surreal down here. The girls take pictures, then we head back up to Big Beach.
Big Beach is probably the most beautiful beach on Maui. A huge crescent of perfect white sand. We walk the beach then we then climb over this little volcano to get Little Beach, THE NUDE BEACH. Beaches in Maui are never crowded. They are nothing like an east coast or California beach. Usually there are a few people getting sun, a few other people walking in the surf, lesbians throwing balls at dogs. Little Beach is an exception to this rule, however. As we come over the hill we see the beach is covered in people…well, Hippies…most nude, some with swimming suits on, all stoned. Drums are playing. I feel like I am in the 1960’s. There is a naked Hawaiian girl doing hula on the beach. Giant cellulite women are bouncing about. Old men, little kids, it’s all bad. The other end of the beach is the gay beach. Some of the Mo’s are naked, some aren’t, but they all have better haircuts than the Hippies. We walk the full length of the beach then head back. As we get back to the little volcano we have to climb to get back to Big Beach, we see him. The Nuclear Mutant. His face is blotchy purple and kind of crushed in places. He is fully nude, standing right in front of us, and proudly showing the world’s most gigantic penis.
I can’t say if I was shocked, freaked out, our just afraid, but we just quickly kept going and ran back to Big Beach.
Don’t worry. I have blacked out the scary parts:
In hindsight it worries me that he may have been responsible for the blue glowy things on our beach. Ewwwww!
We were all quite traumatized by The Nuclear Mutant and needed a drink. Fortunately we had all gone to the store earlier and had each bought the alcohol of our choice. Every single building in Hawaii is a liquor store, which is very convenient. We had to discuss what we like to drink.
So...after some drinks… we decide to go to dinner at Sansei. Sushi!
Sansei is my favorite sushi restaurant in the world. Just don’t go on all you can eat night. It’s in a strip mall, like all good restaurants in Hawaii. This night however things did not start out well. We had this stupid white sorority girl waitress. Sake? Um…Yeah, I think we have that…? Whatever. The food here is outstanding. Spider roll, Rainbow roll, 4 variations on a theme in raw tuna….more sake…more tuna. It was all good. I did not order octopus this time. I have decided not to eat octopus anymore. I heard they crawl out of people’s aquariums and steal their car keys. I can’t eat things with a sense of humor.
The next day the girls wanted to throw balls at dogs on the beach, so Mark and I drove north to Ka’anapali. Let’s do some explaining about Maui. Maui, the best place on earth, is a small island in the Pacific, in the state of Hawaii. Hawaii is the most remotest place in the world. It takes 6 hours to fly there from Seattle (2 hours with a Tylenol PM, a Benadryl, and 2 glasses of wine).
For a close up on Maui, see below:
So Mark and I leave Sandy and Lisa on the beach and drive up to Ka’anapali. All the towns in West Maui start with the letter K, and like the island of Kauai, which also starts with the letter K, it rains and they have mosquitoes there.
We first go to this high end outdoor mall called “Whaler’s Village”. We go to a store called Tommy Bahama’s and both buy silk shirts that cost over $100 each. This is my fist shirt ever that has cost over $100, but hey, I charged it.
Then we walked along Ka’anapali Beach. I have this prejudice against West Maui, because of the rain and the mosquitoes, but Ka’anapali this actually is a great beach. Then it rained. OK, we’re on a small island in the middle of the Pacific. I can put up with this for a minute or two, but this would never happen down in South Maui. We went to the Hula Grill for lunch. Mai Tais followed by Crab and Macadamia nut filled fried Won Tons. Oi! We had 3 orders of the Won Tons. As I am sitting there eating Won Tons and drinking Mai Tais, I start to scratch my ankles and legs. The nice waitress is saying, “I am not surprised you got 3 orders of Won Tons. People get off the plane and drive right here to have those”. We laugh and nod, but I can’t stop scratching. God Damn it! Mosquitoes!
We drive back to South Maui, buy itch medicine, and hang out on the beach for a while. Then I decide to cook tonight. I marinate some Maui onions and local Kula tomatoes in rice wine vinegar, then I marinate some Mahi Mahi in sake and a little soy, then I rub some Ahi steaks with a mixture of wasabi powder and olive oil and a dash of sesame oil. A little Chinese broccoli and some rice and we are all set. You know, I just made up the recipes out of my head. What if this all sucks and everyone hates me? I don’t really have time to stress over this as they all dive in and eat all the food in abut 5 minutes. They seem to like it. Whew! Another nighttime walk on the beach and we all go to sleep.
The next day we have a full schedule:
The Maui Ocean Center (Aquarium) in Ma’alaea
The old town of Lahaina.
A Luau!
The Maui Ocean Center is a great Aquarium. It’s the usual collection of local fish, coral reef stuff, lots of turtles and sharks. A whale exhibit. There are two really cool parts that I love. The first is this tank filled with jelly fish that is lit by a black light. They play new-age Yanni like music in the background and the jelly fish just float around and around. I can stare at this for hours. The second is this huge tank that has a big glass tube running though the middle of it. Basically you can walk through the middle of this tank filled with sharks, manta rays, etc. The rays like to come up and sit on top of the glass tube for photo ops.
So now its time to go to Lahaina, the vampire town. I hate Lahaina. Long ago I think it was a Hawaiian capital of some sort, but then it became a New England missionary town and a whaling port. Now it is an evil collection of T-Shirt shops and bad restaurants that literally suck the life out of you. After about 5 minutes here you are tired and sad. I really hate this place. Bad T-Shits, bad art galleries, bad restaurants. We had to come up here for the Luau later tonight, but unfortunately we have 3 hours to kill. I can do the T-Shirt shops for about 5 minutes.
Sandy and Lisa inform us they love vampire towns, so they go off on their own. Mark and I try to go find this movie poster store that used to be here. We find the store, but it’s now run by mean French people who do not sell movie posters, only $3000 vintage French posters. I explain that I am thinking about moving to France now that W has actually been elected instead of just being installed as Sandra Day O’Conner’s hand puppet, but the French people are still mean to us.
Depressed, we wander around and look for a place to pee. We have to go to the third floor of an old shopping arcade to find a public bathroom. Up there I see a cool import store. I collect old carved masks, and there are a lot of masks in this store so I go in. It turns out that this is an import store run by a small religious cult called the Universal Church Of The Life Force. The women who work here are funny and friendly and do not try to convert me, but they do let me know they are very mad at
for banning the Salvation Army bell ringer people this Christmas. This actually makes me want to shop at .I do not tell them this.As I look around I see lots and lots of penis carvings. Small stone penises, large wooden penises, penis statues of every color from across the world. Do these people worship that Nuclear Mutant guy down at Little Beach? Is he the Universal Life Force? Yikes! I am a little afraid here, but I buy two really great non-penis related masks and head downstairs for a drink. We run into Sandy and Lisa who inform us they now hate vampire towns too.
We have some drinks and then it’s time to head to the luau, the
The Old Lahaina Luau is supposed to be the best in Hawaii. I think it probably is. They only do authentic Hawaiian luau dancing – no Tahitian fire eating here. The place is set right on the ocean in a huge outdoor amphitheater. There are probably at least 1000 people there each night. Everyone starts off having Mai Tais (all you can drink!). Soon we are seated at a table with a bunch of retired librarians from Minneapolis. I ask the librarians if there really is a statue of Mary Tyler Moore throwing her hat up in the air in downtown Minneapolis. They explain that there is, but this question has clearly pissed them off and they do not talk to us for the rest of the night. We wander down to the beach where you can buy hand made authentic Hawaiian arts and crafts. I buy a necklace made of big black nuts. For the rest of the night I can’t stop saying big black nuts. I am clearly the only person who sees the humor in this, except for one of the librarians. She goes off and buys the same necklace for herself.
Near us a live band is playing Hawaiian music. No Hawaiian Christmas carols, thank god.
Getting increasingly drunk on Mai Tais, I settle in as the dancing starts. This is a whole history of the hula from ancient times to today. It’s all very tasteful and informative and fun. Soon it’s time to eat poi, and kalua pig, purple sweet potatoes, lomi lomi salmon, and the rest. The food is great.
As we eat the dancing gets better and more complex. Finally this woman gets up and in a strangely Marie Osmond like voice says, “Is there anyone here tonight celebrating a honeymoon?” There are some claps from the audience. “Is there anyone here tonight celebrating an anniversary?” More claps. “Is there anyone here with 5 toes on their left foot?” We all clap uncomfortably and look around. “Then please, come up and dance with us”. Much of the audience comes up to slow dance to Hawaiian music. We get Lisa to drive home and we all go to bed. It was a good day.
The next day we are supposed to go to the top of Haleakala, the 10,000 foot tall volcano that makes up South Maui. I’ve been to Haleakala before. It’s fun to call people on your cell phone up there, but it’s cold because it’s so high up. Hawaii volcanoes are so big you just can’t really grasp the size when you are there. And they keep on going underwater. They make our local neighborhood volcano seem tiny, even though it’s a little bit taller.
Before we can leave Sandy gets all Dr. Jeckylly on us.
Lisa slaps her about the neck and ears and she decides to go.
As you drive from sea level to the top of the 10,000 foot volcano you pass through 10 of the world’s 13 climate zones. It’s an amazing drive. Dry desert with cactus and gigantic yucca plants in Kihei; fields of sugar cane and pineapples higher up; redwood forests, amazing flowers, and vegetable farms in upcountry; rolling green fields that look like Scotland; rocky desert near the top, and finally these little plants called Silver Swords on the top. This is the only place in the world that they grow. They live for like 20 years, flower once, and then die. The one pictured here is already dead. Goodbye dead Silver Sword!
So we’re on top for a while. Clouds come and go. It is cold but not too bad. I call my Dad and explain where I am. He also tells me that it’s colder in Yakima than on top of this 10,000 foot volcano in Hawaii.
We drive back down, and see a several nuclear mushroom clouds down in the valley.
This is a bit of a concern and we consider quickly going back to the top of the mountain, but it turns out that someone is harvesting sugar cane.
This is stinky and weird. The other day sugar cane ash fell on us at the beach. Very annoying. Why do they do this?
We continue down the mountain and now it’s time for lunch. We are going to one of my most favorite restaurants anywhere, HALI'IMAILE GENERAL STORE
Hali’imaile sits in the middle of a pineapple field about halfway down the volcano. It used to be the general store for farm workers in the area. In the late 1980’s Hawaii was just starting to get real good restaurants that served fresh local food inspired by Hawaiian traditions but not limited to poi and fried eggs on hamburgers. A handful of chefs on O’ahu, Maui, and the Big Island led this change (note that no chefs on Kauai participated in this phenomena – that’s because there are no chefs on Kauai). At the time the Honolulu media started calling this “Hawaiian Regional Cuisine”. The handful of chefs doing this got a lot of attention in California and New York. Bev Gannon was one of those original chefs and she’s still at it. She started off as a Jewish American princess from Dallas and then became a roadie for Lola Falana and Joey Heatherton. One day she decided to become a chef and the rest is history.
The fist time I was here with Mark we came for lunch and the place was almost empty. We ordered a bottle of wine, but they were out of it. They gave us something else – very wonderful and very expensive – for the same price. Then we ordered this appetizer called a Sashimi Napoleon. After my first taste I fell down and wet my pants.
How can I describe this? It is a perfect towery layered fusion of yummy raw tuna with crispy wontons, salmon, more ahi, and wasabi vinaigrette. There are little orange piles of fish eggs sprinkled around the pate. It is just transcendent.
Hali’imaile is a very famous restaurant, so it’s on the Food Channel all the time. For a couple years I have been hearing about Bev’s famous crab dip and how she will not give out the recipe. Apparently she is planning to have the recipe chiseled on to her tombstone, but it will not get out before then.
So the quandary. What to order today? Simple, I order the crab dip and the Sashimi Napoleon. And Mango Margaritas!
The crab dip comes. I look at it. Hello lover. I know you are going to be good. I am going to wait for just another second and gaze at your creamy white richness…oh screw it! I grab a chunk and plop it in my mouth.
Oh sweet mother of god!
It’s light, fluffy, crabby, but dippy at the same time! Slightly chunky, but mostly very mysterious and incredibly good. This is one of those seminal food moments for me. I start to cry. What is in this? Mayo? A little parmesan? Some garlic chives? Oh my god this is just incredible. Don’t wet your pants. Don’t wet your pants. Maybe if I distract everyone at the table they will drink their margaritas and I can eat the rest of this.
Everyone else is like, “Hmm, that’s good. Let me try some of the tuna.” Fine, fine whatever. Get away from the crab dip.
We ordered crab dip and Sashimi Napoleon for appetizers. I order another Sashimi Napoleon for my entrée and the waitress makes knowing eye contact with me. She approves. My head is swimming. How can one restaurant possibly have created the two best things to eat in the whole world? Maui no ka oi! Oi, oi, oi.
After lunch the girls go back to Keawakapu for some beach time. Mark and I head to Makawao, this old cowboy town near Hali’imaile that has some great galleries (unlike vampire town Lahina). The first time I was in Makawao a big bee landed on my eye and I scream really loud. Yes, it was a girly scream. I don’t like bees walking on my eyes. Mark makes sure to recount that event and seems to think it is hilarious.
Last time I was here there were these cool rubbings of squid that were being sold as art. OK, I’m sure that just sounds ridiculous, but there were really interesting. I really want a squid rubbing, but they are expensive. Little ones start at $100. I’ve have to think about this. We tour around the town. The Kristin Bunny gallery is a good one, but this time they have nothing new since we were last here. Maybe we should stop coming to the same place every four months? Nah!
We wonder around a bit longer and then head back to town. I am still exhausted from the religious experience at lunch. We end the night with some drinks and appetizers at the bar in the condo. I am just going though the motions though. I have been forever changed. Crab Dip.
The next day, the final full day, Mark and I go to Ho'okipa beach.
This beach is on the north shore of Maui, so it gets a lot of wind and big waves.
There are a lot of little surfers out there. Lots of little shark snacks. We watch the surfers for a long time along with dozens of other spectators. Soon we start talking like everyone else there. Dude! Wipe out! Brah, you just got dumped in a barrel. Dos ar some choice waves! There’s no way to capture in written form how pathetic this sounds coming from a 41 year old overweight very white guy.
The water is turquoise blue here, really beautiful. There also an unobstructed view of the I’o valley over on West Maui. The I’o valley is this lush tropical green slash through West Maui. It’s kind of a tourist attraction as there is this Space Needle sized pointy rock called the, surprisingly, I’o Needle.
Since my first trip to Maui I thought that I’o was pronounced Eye-Oh. “Do you want to go to Eye-Oh this time? Sure, I like Eye-0h.” I was watching the Travel Channel recently and learned that I’o is correctly pronounced Ee-Ow! Like you had your foot bit off by a shark. Ee-ow!
Over in I’o there is a rock that has the profile of John F Kennedy.
Leaving Ho’okipa we drive thought the surfer town of Pa’ia. I had always pronounced this little town as Pie-ay-ya, like the Spanish rice dish paella, but no, turns out it is pronounced Puh-ee-uh.
Near to Pa’ia there is another little town, Spreckelsville. It is pronounced Spreck-els-ville.
Just up the hill is the town of Haiku.
The town of Haiku
Tucked into the green hillside
It sounds like a poem
Sorry. Couldn’t resist. I think its really pronounced Ha-ee-koo.
We head back to the condo to get ready for dinner at Mama’s Fish House. Mama’s is a big deal institution on Maui, and I actually think it’s the best restaurant in Hawaii (sorry Bev). It’s right on the beach and done up in 1940’s Hawaiiana kitsch. The walkway up to the front door is paved with stones cut in the shape of geckos, interconnected like an Escher painting.
After some drinks we are seated at a great table right at the front. The waves are pounding out in front of us. Very dramatic. We order more cocktails and look over the menu.
Before we order anything they brings us all little taster cups of some kind of lobster curry soup. It was really good. Not crab dip good, but good.
We order appetizers of raw tuna and lobster won ton things. All very good also.
We eat our appetizers, have more drinks, and order dinner. The whole thing here at Mama’s is that the fish is caught the same day and the name of the fishing boat and the fisherman is listed on the menu. I love this! Sandy is trying to order beef…at Mama’s Fish House…but Lisa kicks her under the table and she gets Ahi instead.
I got Mahi Mahi stuffed with crab, Mark got this whole fish with eyeballs still in it called a Moi. Hawaiian kings used to eat Moi. I don’t like eating things that still have eyes.
Boys order a bottle of white, girls order a bottle of red. Mark is designated driver so he’s being good. I am not designated driver.
As dinner progresses everyone except Mark got pretty drunk. Mark says I hit him on the head several times because he could not pronounce the name of the Hawaii state fish, Humhumanukanukaapuuaa. He also claims that at some point the rest of us were all so drunk we stopped speaking English and began to chatter in some kind Hawaiian-Klingon hybrid type dialect. I have no recollection of any of this.
I do recall ordering coffee and dessert however. At Mama’s you get to order your own little personal plunger pot of Hawaiian coffee to go with dessert. There’s coffee from Maui and Kauai, and of course the Kona on the Big Island. I got some kind of small batch Kona that was wonderful. For dessert we all decide to share a Lilikoi crème brulee and this weird chocolate oyster thing. I have to explain this weird chocolate oyster thing. I had never seen anything like this before. A large oyster shell shaped pastry arrives on a plate. Inside is a giant chocolate pearl filled with creamy goodness.
Wow. Oh. Wow.
Sandy is all over the crème brulee.
The rest of the night, especially the ride home is rather blurry. Thank you Mark for being the designated driver!
The next day we drive to “upcountry” again. We have lunch at the Kula Lodge. It’s kind of like being at the lodge at Mt Rainier or the lodge in that movie The Shining. Lunch is just OK, but the view is incredible. We’re probably 5000 feet up on the volcano looking down on everyone. After lunch we keep driving around upcountry and head toward the Tedeschi Winery. The landscape is beautiful, lush green fields, lots of tropical flower farms, giant cactus all over the place. Finally we get to the winery. It is just above the condo, but there is no road to get down to the beach. We’ll have to go back 20 miles the other way to get home. This is just silly. One of those millionaires who live down in Wailea needs to pay to get a road build.
The winery itself is this 100 year old mansion that was the Hawaiian King’s summer house. As we pull up a bus load of Japanese tourists has just gotten there ahead of us. There is no way we will get to taste anything anytime soon. Just as well, I still have alcohol poisoning from the night before.
Being up this high on the mountain we can get radio stations from Honolulu. The NPR station is one of those terrible ones like in Atlanta that mostly plays classical music. I hate that! There is a second NPR station that plays news, but their schedule is wacky. The afternoon news that plays from 4 PM till 7 PM in Seattle plays at noon in Hawaii, and it’s only on for half an hour. Then they play Canadian news for the rest of the afternoon. It occurs to us that there could be dozens of Canadians masquerading as real tourists all over Maui. How would we ever know… unless they speak…but what if they were really from Minnesota? Scary.
I am against Canada. I always say, Canada, it’s just different enough to be annoying.
The other thing about Hawaiian media, both newspapers and TV news, is that nothing bad ever really happens here. Every night the TV news leads with a story like:
“Water pipe breaks on Waliea Road! or “Lost dog found in shopping bag!”
Driving back down the mountain we hear on the Canadian news that a water pipe broke and got a dog wet earlier that day in Toronto. My head explodes.
This night we decide to have a low key dinner. We drive down the road a few blocks to Wailea to have dinner at Joe’s Bar and Grill. Joe’s is owned by Bev Gannon of Hali’imaile fame, but it’s in a county club. I am afraid. It’s a class difference thing. These people will know I hate golf and will be mean to me.
We arrive right after they open and the place is empty. I know they will be mean to me, but I smile and say, “Hi. Any chance you can squeeze 2 in without a reservation?” Grumpy 80 year old mangers looks at me, clearly decides that I do not play golf, and says, “Sure, I guess we can find you a table”. Ass-hole.
We sit down, order martini’s and crab dip. With the exception of ass-hole 80 year old grumpy manager, everyone who works here is a white frat boy wearing a white shirt and khaki pants. They are all nice and helpful, but this really is not the authentic island dining experience I might have hoped for. It occurs to me suddenly I am surrounded by golfers. Golf. People go outside, on purpose, to try to hit this little ball into a hole. I will never understand this. I know that soon one of the golfers will look up at me and scream this loud screeching sound like they do in those Invasion of the Body Snatchers movies. Golf-hater! Golf-hater!
Crab dig comes. Don’t wet your pants. Don’t wet your pants.
Yes, it’s just as good as the first time.
The menu here is all about comfort foot, so I order meatloaf and Mark orders ribs. Since I was a small child I have always hated meatloaf. It’s golfer food. Red state golfer food. But a review I read of this place said the meatloaf was great so I’m thinking that maybe I should not be all judgmental of something I have not had in 30 years. I order it.
Before the golfer food arrives, this table of elderly, loud, east coast looking people are seated at the table next to us. They immediately begin to complain. It’s too cold! You are in Hawaii lady, it’s not cold. We want a waitress not a waiter! Look around lady, no women work here. We want a table cloth! Use your giant granny underwear. Our forks are too big. Oh for Christ’s sake! This goes on for the rest of the evening. Loudly. Soon the waiters and busboys are totally ignoring that table and going out of their way to be nice to us. We start talking loudly about how perfect the temperature is and how much we love the size of our forks. When it comes time to pay we learn that the waiter has decided to charge us half price for our meal. Let this be a lesson to you – never complain about the size of your fork.
We drive back to the condo. We’re quiet. It’s our last night here. We pop in a CD and listen to this very sad song called “Last good day of the year”. I am sad. I want to take a final walk on the beach to do some more research on the blue glowy things. I can’t. I am just too full. I have eaten 3 big meals every day for the last 7 days. I need to not eat anything for a week and to never drink alcohol ever again. I lay on the couch like a giant blond whale and turn on the TV. Lilo & Stitch is on the Disney Channel. Lilo & Stitch is my favorite show. Since Buffy ended there has been a big black hole in my life. Stitch helps. It’s about a little Hawaiian girl name Lilo and the zany adventures she has on the Island of Kauai with this little blue alien named Stitch.
Normally I like to lay on the couch at home, watch Lilo & Stitch, and pretend I’m in Hawaii. Now I’m in Hawaii laying on the couch watching Lilo & Stitch. I do not want to go home.
OK, wake up. It’s the last day. Go walk on the beach while you still can! Try to burn everything into your brain so you don’t forget what it’s like here. The weather is perfect weather of course, which makes this all the more sad.
A final walk on the beach and then it’s time to go. We take pictures in front of the Christmas tree in the condo lobby. It’s 85 degrees outside and we’re standing in front of a Christmas tree.
Driving though town I say goodbye to things.
Goodbye ABC store in the gas station!
Aloha Foodland!
Goodbye Kihei!
Aloha stinky sugar factory that smells like molasses.
Before we get to the airport we are going to have lunch at this great Vietnamese place in Wailuku called A Saigon Café. The place is kind of hilarious. It’s in the middle of a residential neighborhood and it has no sign or anything telling you that there is a restaurant here. Just a cheap neon open sign.
We sit down and this tiny little Asian guy comes over to ask what we want to drink. We can’t decide so he decides for us. You will all have iced tea! Then he then informs us that we will have two appetizers – some kind of spring rolls and some kind of deep-fried wonton thing. We’re kind of afraid to say no at this point so we just smile and nod.
Appetizers come out, delivered by a new waiter. He asks where we are from. We explain Seattle and he tells us he hates Seattle. Just like Mayberry RFD! But rainier and cold! We are cracking up that he thinks Seattle is like Mayberry, but we tell him we are against the rain and cold and want to move to Maui. He stops and looks at us like we are crazy. Move here? To Torture Island? You do not want to move here. Maui is Torture Island! If you want sun move to Compton, California! That’s where the action is, in Compton. Lots of drama there. No need to have a TV! This guy is really hilarious.
It was a perfect way to end the trip.
We have a wonderful lunch then head to the airport. We’re all so sad. We have final Mai Tai’s in the bar.
We beg the woman at the airline counter to get us in a bulk head row so no one is in front of us – thus avoiding the moving seat back saga. I am so happy to not have anyone in front of me. No need for sleeping pills. No need to kill any other passengers.
The flight home is fine. As we are landing the pilot says it is 37 degrees in Seattle. It was 85 on Maui when we left. It’s OK. I’ll be back -- in May!
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